He’s been dead for over four hundred years. Yet, he still has an amazingly accurate and uncanny ability to predict the future. Join us now, for the latest observations and visions of Assmericus Predicts

• Neither Al Gore nor George Bush will win the 2000 US Presidential race. The winner will be, in the most lopsided election in American history, a gay-boy from Quebec
  
  
• The Cincinnati Bengals will not win another football game until the year 2046
  
  
• A major atomic war will wipe out millions of lives in the next few months. It will be a tragic mistake- the result of a small island accidentally dropping a hydrogen bomb on Bundesbordelloland
  
  
• A famous former NFL running back will cut two more peoples heads off, and will be proven innocent in a long- drawn out criminal case
  
  
• It will never again drop below 100 degrees in Texas. By the year 2010, the average low temperature will be 103 degrees
  
  
• A cure for cancer will be discovered when it is learned that Texas wetbacks, who have been eating genetically altered corn, are immune to human diseases
  
  
• The Houston Texans will win the Superbowl in their first NFL season, by default. That is a result of the NFL refusing to play in the Texas heat
  
  
• Men and women will stop having sexual relations. Cyber-sex will alter the path of human interaction
  
  
• Due to all of the heat, the Texas fatboys will become the Texas slim-Jims