He’s been dead for over four hundred years. Yet, he still has an amazingly accurate and uncanny ability to predict the future. Join us now, for the latest observations and visions of Assmericus Predicts

• A flood of yellow water of monumental proportions will engulf America
  
  
• Dairy products will make people do strange and unorthodox things
  
  
• Scientist will announce that it is recommended your drink heavily, smoke tobacco products constantly and consume massive amounts of fat and cholesterol loaded beef products
  
  
• Humans will have their first contact with alien life forms within the next 80 billion years
  
  
• The fountain of youth will be discovered in, of all places, Florida. People will be once again blessed with youth, but they will not learn how to count and do basic math
  
  
• Dildo fever will sweep the globe
  
  
• A flood of yellow water of monumental proportions will engulf the UK
  
  
• The digital revolution will bring about digital diarrhea
  
  
• A comet will destroy the Earth completely within the next 80 billion years