Dan Sroka's Berserk Briefs #28

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Berserk Briefs by Dan Sroka

Berserk Briefs by Dan Sroka

Working at the supermarket deli has some real advantages. Just ask Dufus Earwax. He gets all the meat and cheese he can eat for free (anything that has been on the floor and stepped on more than once). Just look at all the American cheese crammed in between his teeth. And Dufus is the senior clerk in the deli, having worked a full 2 weeks, so he gets a healthy salary of $3.50 hr. And his union contract assures him a minimum of 30 hours a week with only 20 on the midnight shift. After 20 years as the senior deli clerk he will get benefits like paid time off and the right to donate to the United Way. But, today- Dufus is pissed off. He’s got a big scowl on his face and an attitude to go along with it. You see, Dufus got called into the deli to work because the other clerk had TB. So, Dufus missed out on his typical drinking rampage at one of his favorite watering holes. No booze makes Dufus an irritable character in spite of the pleasures that are assured him on his job as senior baloney cutter at the deli. Dufus cut up the Head Cheese in paper thin slices as the customer requested. Many customers were standing in line, waiting for the buffoon to finish the Head Cheese order. The customers were calling Dufus names like “ignorant mother fucking idiot” and “cock sucking uneducated deli trash”. Dufus was getting madder by the second. He blurted out “Fuck you all”, threw the whole block of head cheese on the floor, and stormed out of the deli. Dufus was fired immediately and was kicked out of the union for life. Dufus Earwax was found dead, with a butcher cleaver imbedded in his back, outside of his favorite bar, by the dumpster. Police noted that the cleaver had Head Cheese all over it.

Copyright © Dan Sroka 10/27/01

Berserk Briefs by Dan Sroka

Casper Milk-toast Yesman knew that if he kept trying, eventually his ship would come in. And, now, finally, he got the break of a life-time. Due to an unfortunate unsolved murder mystery, a vacancy opened up at the local supermarket deli counter. Casper had aspired to this career for most of his 40 years! To be a deli clerk. Just think of it. Clean working conditions. Serving people chunks of cooked ham, kosher wieners and gourmet potato salad. He knew it would be challenging, but he felt he finally got the big break, and dammit- he was going to make the best of the opportunity. Casper Milk-toast Yesman wrote a letter of resignation to his boss on his current janitor job. He wrote “Fuck you- you prick! I got a good CLEAN job now- and you can shove this up your ass!”. But things did not go well for Yesman. He was arrested for murder, in his first hour of work on his new deli clerk job. No, he was not accused of murdering his former boss. But he was charged with putting a butcher’s cleaver in the back of the man he replaced at the deli- former lead deli clerk Dufus Earwax.

Copyright © Dan Sroka 10/27/01,

5/08

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