Berserk Briefs by Dan Sroka

Big Bertha diligently prepared for Thanksgiving. It was her favorite time of the year. She could eat twice as much as normal and have an excuse for her piggish ways being that it was a holiday. Bertha’s girdle had busted open months ago, so her layers of fat just rolled around her torso like a southern California earthquake. The behemoth had 2 50 lb turkeys in the oven. Some big eaters were coming over to pig up including Olga and Gertrude. The girls planned to eat until they busted open. They had read about the Texas fatboys who ate themselves to death a few years back. The girls wanted to emulate these monsters but they were going to do them one up. A gluttons death BEFORE Christmas would be their collective goal. They’d beat the record of the hoggish fatboys. Bertha bent over to get a container of salt and the can of lard for the turkeys. The monsters heart stopped and the momentum of her girth forced her head right through the glass front on the oven. Olga and Gertrude found Big Bertha dead and cooked to a crisp that evening. Days later, the Police found Olga and Gertrude dead at the table with turkey bones laying all over. They had eaten themselves to death! No one ever heard from or saw Big Bertha again. It’s as if she disappeared from the face of the Earth!

Copyright © Dan Sroka 11/23/02