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Dan Sroka January 1997 Calendar
- 1 sheister-meister SJMFs celebrate- invite Smokin Joe Pman and
modern-day gorilla Buckminster over for potato pancakes
- 1 Earthquake measuring 4.2 demolishes the Cleveland Flats area.
Cuyahoga River flows backwards flooding downtown
- 1 hung-over pencil-necked geek MamboMoneybagsSambo has a severe
headache- takes a liter of Alka-Seltzer spiked with burbon
- 1 Tickle Me Elmos sell for a dime a dozen at Wal-Mart. Potato pancake
filled lumox gorilla Walleye buys 200 Tickle Mes and shoots them with his 22
- 1 Mr. Hardturd informs BigPicture rubberneck that he is going to put a home page on the WWW. They play cards until midnight
- 1 Space shuttle crew informs Houston that strange electromagnetic
disturbances are being picked up from Phobos
- 2 Wall Street goes crazy- up 205 points-down 120 points- up 79-down
131- up 269- down 412...fluctuating more than Sambos blood pressure!
- 2 visit Yesmans favorite site--
http://www.savba.sk/logos/news/no/data/010796k.html#7
- 2 Hardturd has a meeting and lays down the law: No more shamming..No
more sleeping..No more dope..No more ripoffs
- 2 Chef Qball Baluga Stinkman eats pulvarized walrus hoofs with leeks for breakfast...his emissions cause another PAT bus accident/wreck
- 2 depressed PLG returns to work only to be fired for
insubordination...calls 800-737-5223 for a replacement job
- 3 Toronto 4- Edmonton 3, Exeter 3- London Welsh 2, Bayer Leverkusen
10- MSV Duisberg 8, Buffalo 6- St. Louis 6
- 3 respected and honored Heroinballs plays it straight..no hard stuff until lunch. Trembling and in DTs- he makes it to the pharmacy
- 3 River Police patrol pull a Mercedes out of the Ohio River near Three
Rivers Stadium...car is crushed and ground up for scrap metal
- 3 Mr. Buckminster Fuller (Gas Machine) Lumox takes lesson to play the
flute..... from his backside
- 3 Union brothers have a secret meeting at the Pedros Pool Hall about
what to do about hard-ass Hardturd and his outlandish demands
- 3 A major riot breaks out at Pedros- Stinkman takes 34 stiches....Mr.
Pman gets pulvarized like walrus hoofs-all brothers locked up in jail
- 4 check out the human
gorilla..............http://www.bvis.uic.edu/museum/exhibits/ttt/TTT4c2.html
- 4 Booze brothers Hakio and Sambo Roughneck spend over $300 on
beer/whiskey/brandy/rum/etc. at the bar...never make it home
- 4 WPXI reports a gang of thugs bludgeons and nearly kills two drunkard
bums outside of a bar on the north side
- 4 AGH ICU puts two half-dead aqua-lungs in
intensive-intensive-intensive ward...Hardturd gets a liver transplant from
an armadillo, kidneys from donkey and a heart from a horse.......Sambos
plight is so critcal his entire body was injected with formaldehyde and he
is frozen at -203 C
- 4 NFL Playoff games cancelled...nation stunned by news from
AGH.....world media rushes to site of cannibalized cro-magnon and frozen
whiskey vat
- 5 Ice Princess, Wigwoman and Jane C file a class action law suit claiming that their infertility is the result of dust mites in their nasal cavities
- 5 crying Heroinballs rushes to AGH hoping to visit his mentor and hero
Hardturd...kicked out of AGH immediately
- 5 Bombadeer Beluga Stinkman rides the 54C over to the north side to
visit his friend Sambo but drops a load that wrecks the bus/driver and
kills 13
- 5 THIS IS THE WEBS HOTTEST SITE. . . . .
.http://www.rz.uni-frankfurt.de/~mokl/slide16.gif --(WARNING: Dont view
this unless you are 80 years old)
- 5 The New York Times spills the beans: CDC reports that a deadly
disease is sweeping America- the
- 6 Kak Paskahousu Brownpants convinces the Federal Brotherhood of Stooge-Lumox Belugas to support dying Chief Hakio Hardturd
- 6 United Brotherhood of Unionized Wirepullers sends a donation of $22
million to AGH to help save embalmed Sambo and canibalized HH
- 6 In a ceremony to raise funds for the dying booze brothers Shinichiro
Kaneko has himself nailed to a 80 foot tall cross in Times square
- 6 News media reports that a killer virus is spreading thru
AGH---0059 SPC2 3 headed trojan horse virus...it has wiped out 25 so far!
- 6 Martyr Doughboy attempts to visit the hospitalized nerds but is sent away in tears. His gruesome wife attacks him with a TFal frying pan
- 7 Porcupine Pman calls 800-215-3283 for a date. Ice Princess returns
her Olga Lacey Textures bra to JC Penny fearing it causes frivilous lawsuits
- 7 On the job, in Hardturds absence, King Farouk manipulates all login
privlidges and scrambles passwords so that unix crashes
- 7 Janet Reno puts her best men on the case of the north side thug
bludgeoning case: Eliot Ness, Paul Drake and Inspector Henderson
- 7 NASA reports that aliens have been detected on Phobos. They appear to be 2 headed 18 foot tall Gorillas with purple fur
- 7 Gambling Lilliput hits again with 1797- gets $3,000 from the lottery
and $27,500 from the bookie
- 8 Doctors say Hardturd is dying of rejection- especially of the donkey
variety....doctors contact Soviet curator of Lenins tomb (about Sambos status)
- 8 guilt-ridden Heroinballs has a nervous breakdown- locked up in WPIC psychotic ward. Pman and Lumox Beluga sweat it out tangled in WPIC wires
- 8 Messiah Nanak Varhamana Abdul-Alibaba II and shaman Mahavira-juni Lao-Tze Garu-Guru hold a special ecumenical ceremony for boozeboys
- 8 constipated goon Walleye lets it all out at the mental word-whole
hospital evacuated and locked up psychotic Heroinballs escapes
- 8 White House spokesman informs CNN that nationwide 12,070 have died
of the Modern-day Caveman syndrome
- 9 studying the 0059 SPC2 trojan horse virus SAA discovers--
http://www.kfshrc.edu.sa/annals/143/ann143.html
- 9 OJ calls AGH offering a blood transfusion for the formaldehyde king-
if necessary--has some extra blood in cold storage
- 9 Dan Rather informs the world that Lasorda has had 27 straight heart
attacks--doing excellent however-going home tonight!
- 9 Yeltsin calls AGH and in between barks offers his assistance and
expertise in the plight/dilemma faced by the medical staff
- 9 Koop calls AGH and advises that the only way to save the
formaldehyde-tanked SamboRambo is to immediately submerge him in a sea of Leusha vodka and administering 600,000 volts of DC current. Furthermore,
- suggests one from a lion
- 10 Physician informs Gastrointestinal Nightmare Walleye that he has
Modern-day Caveman disease. GNW responds with UGH..UGH
- 10 Jet crashes in Cleveland Flats killing 203 people. Modell says the site could be used for a new stadium for the Bengals or Ravens
- 10 Ness, Henderson and Drake present a 250 paqe report to Reno.....the
thugs that attacked the booze brothers are a mystery
- 10 AGH doctors view---- http://www.aas.org/ApJ/v465n2/5175/5175.html
- 10 drugged up Heroinballs pulls an OJ-- buys 30 Tickle Me Elmos and
cuts their heads off!
- 11 Yeltsin ships 400 cases of Soviet vodka to AGH and Duquesne Light
rigs up a special 600000 DC feed line there
- 11 0059 SPC2 3 headed trojan horse virus runs amuck on the north
side...403 dead- 13,000 have contracted the virus
- 11 Slobbish Doughboy, fearing for his life, buys extra life insurance at 800-654-5454. His wife beats him with a 2X4
- 11 Ice Princess consults her shrink Nanook about her Bali Smooth Compliments bra. She fears it may cause an unsatiable drive for hot sex. IP shows Dr. Nanook and they have a boiling encounter that melts them both
- 11 Rumors run rampant and stores sell out of Bali Smooth Compliments
bras faster than they sold out of Tickle Me Elmo
- 12 FBI brings Mark Furman in to investigate north side thug attack.
Doctors take formaldehyde SamboJambo from one vat to another
- 12 Heroinballs has the constant urge to grunt...he calls his physician
who diagnosis is Modern Day Caveman disease. Doctor tells HB to hit the
drugs hard!
- 12 Yesman goes from yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes to ugh, ugh,
ugh, ugh, ugh, ugh
- 12 On the southside, jabbering Dave Pman looks for a harlot......hair
starts growing all over his body. He has thoughts of Warren Zevon
- 12 Priest gives Hardturd his last rites. Duquesne Light turns up the
power to AGH.......SamboStiffneck has a pulse! BP at 102/48
- 13 NY Times reports that dead drunkard brought back to life by
DC/vodka... Wall Street stocks skyrocket for vodka and bra manufacturers
- 13 Transplant surgeons implant the heart of a Cleveland Zoo lion into dying Hakio as a last ditch effort to save his life
- 13 SEE HARDTURDS PHOTOS
at...............http://www.mancow.com/turdsphotos.html
- 13 King Farouk starts grunting. Lilliput finds hair growning all over
her body. Jane C. goes in for electrolysis
- 13 North side population decimated as Sambos 0059 SPC2 3 headed trojan
horse virus spreads like wildfire
- 14 Furman reports to Reno that OJ is responsible for the NS attack on
the two gutter drunkards
- 14 BigPictureRamboSambo tells Brokaw what its like to be dead. NBC
pays uneducated Sambo $300,000 for the exclusive interview
- 14 Caveman Stooge Lumox Walleye visits recuperating Hakio. Plays his
anal flute for Hardturd...fumes wreck havoc with hospital staff
- 14 Suddenly Chieftain Hardturd is able to walk around. AGH fellows realize that gastrointestinal nightmares emissions have worked a miracle
- 14 Lumox Gorilla, Hardturd and Stiffneck Sambo have a reunion in the
waiting room......play cards and drink vodka all night long
- 15 LAPD sets up a manhunt for OJ. Sham artists SJMFs set up a dummy
corporation to bilk millions out of unsuspecting bra purchasers
- 15 PLG has a nightmare The Pope visits her, but he is actually a
she, and PLG is certain of this, and she must tell the public!
- 15 With a monumental hangover Stiffneck Sambo
consults:::::::::::::http://healthnet.ivi.com/9409/hl/relax_sb.htm
- 15 Researchers learn that Baluga Belugas anal flute siren is an
effective agent against 0059 SPC2 3 headed trojan horse virus
- 15 ugly Gruesome sheister Wigwoman tries to claim ownership and patent
rights to flatulance flute panacea and files a lawsuit against Hbomb
- 16 Doctors inform canabalized Hardturd and juiced up MachoCamacho
Sambo they can both return to work....Sambo pulls wires all over
- 16 LAPD picks up Rodney King as a suspect in the north side
bludgeoning case...still on OJs trail (bloody footprints)
- 16 Physician tells Smokin Joe Pman that he has a diseased doink and it
must be cut off immediately- surgery scheduled
- 16
- 16 Getting desperate, Hardturd calls 800-221-8108, 800-543-9905,
800-445-1195, 800-321-8750, 800-888-0617 and 800-799-4673
- 17 Mr. Rubberneck Sambo, curious about his fame, searches and
finds.....http://www.mcafee.com/support/techdocs/vinfo/t0009.html
- 17 Greenspan tells the NY Times that the economy is too robust..stocks
are going crazy- a surtax must be put on the sale of bras
- 17 To celebrate their reincarnations....Hakio and MamboJambo have a
big booze party at Chiefs Cafe. Hakio will be dressed as Fred Flintstone
and Sambo will be Barney Rubble. All the goons from the Federal
Brotherhood as well as the United Brotherhood are invited
- 17 Mr. Yesman goes from ugh, ugh, ugh, ugh, ugh, ugh to yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes
- 17 Pman is absent from the big caveman celebration...Doctor OJ cuts
off Pmans diseased doink- put in a jar of formaldehyde
- 18 Police riot squad arrest over 400 drunkard bums on Craig
Street--Allegheny County jail smells like a brewery
- 18 Wigwoman learns that Pmans doink is sitting in a jar on Dr. OJs
desk....she breaks in and steals Pmans 3rd leg
- 18 Doughboy and his gruesome vindictive Blackhair Wigwoman wife eat a
meal of raw doink marinated with Mogen David
- 18 Mario scored 6 goals, Jagr 5 at the NHL All Star game in San Jose.
Johnston assures Baldwin he will destroy these Penguins yet!
- 18 BigBucks BigPicture Sambo puts much of his money in high flying
stocks like Cogniznt, Harbor Bond, Kent Income and Muellerind
- 19 Doinkless Pman (a.k.a. John Bobbit the second) goes over to the ss
for a $200 special but he cant do anything
- 19 PSV Eindhoven 2- Feyenoord 1, BlackheathJ2-Moseley 1, Cheltenham
4-Tabard 0, Corstorphine 3-Glenrothes 0
- 19 ----
http://gladstone.uoregon.edu/~sjr/boston.html
- 19 SF Examiner reports that Lasorda has had 21 more MAJOR heart
attacks but the paper says he is doing fine and resting well
- 19 Poindexter J. Skinflint summons Heroinballs into his office for a drug test....every known chemical/drug is found in the urinalysis!
- 20 Bombadeer Paskahousu drops a stinking silent blast that wrecks the
entire WPIC ventilation system...13 killed and 49 asphyxiated
- 20 Sagan holds an emergency new conference at Houston......there are
aliens from Miranda on Mars
- 20 Stockmarket hits 10070....bras are selling at $140
each....Cyber-porn stocks skyrocket...Rubber doinks in Jar gags are worth billions
- 20 Mr. Hardturd again informs BigPicture rubberneck that he is going
to put a home page on the WWW....it will be along the lines of
http://users.ap.net/~oyearian/ox_page_1.html and will be dedicated to the
stooge belugas and other brotherhoods
- 20 Tornado rips through the Cleveland Flats area- kills 16 and injures
50....Cuyahoga River flows backwards
- 21 Dreamer PLG has another nightmare-in this one the Pope marries
Whoppi Goldberg and they ride Cerberus into the third circle
- 21 Hallucinating on 3 tubes of glue Brownbagger Buckminster sees a 3
headed dog eating his Tickle Me Elmos
- 21 SAA screens 452 brats- Gails screens 399 snot-nosed punks. Slob
Doughboy tells Ice Princess ime munaa- runkkari!
- 21 Reno informs Clinton that the north side thug beating case is
unsolved and will forever remain a mystery
- 21 sweating Heroinballs breathes a sigh of relief... lights up a 2
foot long wet dank blunt and falls asleep in the basement
- 22 Doinkless Smokin Joe goes to Dr. OJs office with a gun. Tells doc
he wants his doink back by this weekend or else!
- 22 CBS News reports that aliens from another world have been confirmed
in the Cleveland Flats. Sagan says theyre the
- 22 Flute playing gruesome gorilla Walleye gives a concert for his
hero/buddy BigPicture Sambo. All stooge-lumox belugas pack the Civic Arena
- 22 After the flute gasout...modern day Caveman Baluga Beluga is
spotted in the C3 mens room with an electric 20 inch dildo
- 22 Chief Hakio calls 800-327-8878 + 800-633-5502 + 800-233-9999 +
800-517-7366 + 800-422-5370 + 800-762-7438 + 800-872-0983
- 23 Hakio Hardturd meets with Reginald Truscott-Jones... between them they consume a gallon of whiskey, a keg of beer and a quart of vodka
- 23 Boston 9-Florida 8, Caen 3- Auxerre 0, San Jose 123-Richmond 111,
Pontypool 11- Maesteg 3, Colorado 3, Pittsburgh 1
- 23 Rumors run rampant in Pedros Pool Hall.... Smokin Joe is a
woman...Gluesniffer Buckminster is a transvestite...Sambo is a sheister, etc. etc.
- 23 BigPicture Moneybags checks his blood pressure all day long..it
varies between 320 and 45.....Sambo worries he is not normal
- 23 cheapskate sham artists SJMFs threaten to sue Dr. OJ....
- 24 Dr. Poindexter J. Skinflint
enjoys(((((http://www.wolfe.net/~wamba/blasphemy/smoke.html))))).
- 24 Dr. J.J. Undercyclothyme informs sickly Heroinballs that he needs to have a liver transplant. He consults with Dr. Schizobergerwicz who
indicates that Mr. Heroinballs also need a colostomy. Dr. Skinflint
further reports that HB has a malignant brain tumor as big as an orange
- 24 Ice Princess, Wigwoman and Jane C file a class action law suit
claiming that their infertility is the result of orange 3 headers from Uranus
- 24 Davie resigns as Notre Dame coach without one game under his
belt.....pressure was too much to handle
- 24 Rubberneck SamboRambo drives doinkless Pman over to the northside
for an experimental rubber doink implant. Pman is under the knife for 12
straight hours. Shaman pseudo-surgeon chops, grinds, sews, cuts, burns,
pulls, etc. etc. After 20 hours and 37 failed versions, doc sews Pman back
together and tells him there is absolutely nothing that can be done for
him other than amputate the entire lower portion of his body. Sambo takes
Pman back home.
- 25 PLG calls 800-252-6727...Farouk calls 800-545-2040...Sambo calls
800-544-1800...Stooge Lumox Beluga calls 800-652-6552
- 25 uneducated nerd BigPicture calls 800-282-6863...slob Doughboy calls
800-556-2492...vindictive Wighead SJMF calls 800-334-8626
- 25 In the WWF the title changes hands as 595 lb.Big Gorilla
Bazooka pins King Baluga. In the WCW Schizo-OJ wins over Hustler Onionbreath
- 25 http://home.pi.net/~rj/Archief.htm
- 25 Wunderbras sell for $450 each on the black market. Brownpants
Buckminster clogs the sewer after consuming 42 Whoppers at Burger King
- 26 At the Superbowl in NO (in the pre-game ceremony) Shinichiro Kaneko
is nailed to a cross and hung from the scoreboard
- 26 Scientist at Ames Research Center announce that they have brought
William Frawley back to life! Vivian Vance is next in line
- 26 Machomen across the nation drink kegs of beer, eat like pigs, barf
endlessly, blow putrid farts and piss rivers on Superbowl sunday
- 26 Flatulance specialist/ diarrhea mogel human gorilla Walleye gazes at the moon and powers up his anal flute for an all-night symphony
- 26 After consuming 4 bottles of Geritol Yeltsin tells Dan Rather that
the Russians sent a man to Venus back in 1967
- 27 Flatulance specialist/diarrhea king computer wrecker Walleye calls
800-835-7268 to order a 18 wheeler truckload of shitpaper
- 27 FBI director Freeh announces the case of the north side thug
bludgeoning has been officially closed
- 27 Toronto 0- Colorado 0, Ottawa 0-Tampa Bay 0, Cologne 0-Hansa
Rostock 0, Portland 0-Atlanta 0, Airdrie 0- St. Mirren 0
- 27 After putting down a litre of vodka Stiffneck Sambo hits
http://www.acupuncture.com/Clinical/Tortil.htm
- 27 Meteor crashes into the Cleveland Flats killing 46, injuring 204
and causing $13.3 billion damage
- 28 Tempted by the fruit of another Bombadeer Beluga Stinkman heads to
Burger King and grubs up 30 Whoppers with everything
- 28 Pman sends for a plutonium powered electric strap-on
vibrator/dildo- a $2,000 special from::::::www.chop.doink.com
- 28 Heroinballs rushed to the emergency room after consuming 30 ml of
morphine, smoking a bushel of hemp, mainlining a vial of fentanal and
snorting a thimble of 100% pure cocaine.....Emergency room staff send HB
home- stating he is in his normal mode of functioning
- 28 Sambo snaps, pulls out his 3006 and starts shooting everything in
sight....Mr. Rambo goes to Wal-mart with rifle in hand jabbering about
Tickle Me Elmo
- 28 Chicago Tribune reports Lasorda has had 21 major heart attacks
today.....he was resuscitated 19 times and is as healthy as a teenager
now!
- 29 cyber-queen Lilliputs favorite WWW location--
http://www.apk.net/sports/Cle-web/Wall/wall.html...Stinkfest Buckminster
visits Dr. Quack
- 29 County police arrest killer SamboGunman after he annihilates 22
Tickle Me Elmos with his 3006 at Wal-mart
- 29 animal lover PLG paints a picture of Ljunggren Beamon Suleymanogulu
on a Thunderbird bottle. Sun Myung Moon visits the Flats
- 29 Dolphins fire Jimmy Johnson and hire Don Shula back as coach for
life. Lilliput heads for Hechingers for heavy duty underwear
- 29 Yeltsin sells Chicotilo Bulls to Ohio for Weird Al
Yankovic.....Baluga Beluga takes a swim in the Yough and contaminates it further
- 30 http://www.dnai.com/~sharrow/gif/cigaret1.jpg
- 30 Confused/misguided H. Hardturd calls 800-582-6241, 800-652-4200,
800-772-7516, 800-227-2657, 800-272-8464 + 800-527-0035
- 30 fatboy Doughboy tells Pman he and his wife ate his doink......Pman goes crazy and pulls a Sambo--gets a machette and goes to Wal-mart
- 30 Federal Brotherhood raises $2,000 to benefit Doinkless Pman. United
Brotherhood raises $2,050 for John Bobbit Jr.
- 30 HB relaxes for a restfull/light evening...13 dilaudids, 20
demerols, 10 Numorphans, and 10 dexamethasones before dinner
- 31 London Symphony offers human Gorilla Hbomb a 6 figure contract to
play the anal flute on an upcoming world tour
- 31 Booze brothers Sambo and Hakio pitch in and buy a beer meister so they can stay tanked up at home- day and night
- 31 (((http://www.dnai.com/~sharrow/gif/vanifair.jpg))).....Yesman says
yes a million times over this one
- 31 The Stooge Beluga Lumoxs plow into Pedros pool hall ....eat like hungry walruses, drink like spleen whales and destroy everything that can possibly be wrecked. After the goons spend all their cash- establishment
management kicks them out into the street and calls the cops. Brothers get
ready for another week end in the county jail
- 31 Mr. Hardturd tells his close associate RamboKillerman that he WILL
put a home page on the world wide web. It wont be for the casper milk toast crowd, however.....It will be for the hearty souls that are rugged
individualists, roughnecks and machomen that smoke Marlboros, drink their whiskey straight from the bottle, have unprotected sex (with themselves), chew mouthfulls of chewing tobacco before breakfast, cuss out their wives and girlfriends, beat up their kids and cripled neighbors, blow gas day
and night, etc. etc. Sambo, in a moment of compassion, tries to temper
Hakios plans and be a little more considerate but Hardturd tells stiffneck Sambo to mind his own damn business and get the hell away from me before I
beat the shit out of you- you pencil-necked uneducated wimp.......
If you enjoyed this material, you can find other satire, humor, comedy and sarcasm written by Dan Sroka at the following sites:
Copyright © Dan Sroka, 12/20/96, 
3/08
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