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Dan Sroka April 1996 Calendar

4/1 April Fools brings us to this calendar
4/1 Ronald Reagan to seek a third term, Nancy to be his "right hand" woman
4/1 Fidelity Magellan fund goes bankrupt-DOW drops 279 points in one minute
4/1 Sing along with Phil Harris...."Ding Dong Daddy"
4/1 Bobby Womack and Merle Oberon team up on "Fly me to Mars"
4/1 Modell moves Baltimore No-Names to Memphis-to be Memphis Tugboats
4/1 Dunn and Cranmer state that county govt. is "unequoviacally clean"
4/1 Bombadeer Walleye stargazing at Pluto finds 4th dimension link
4/1 Leaving Las Vegas- call 1-800-649-6644
4/1 PLG enrolls in Pitt Law School...not enough legal-eagles around
4/1 Alanis takes more jagged little pills -nearly chokes-rushed to ICU
4/1 Jane C and DS caught in a Murnau brothel...both locked up
4/2 Bengals move to Cleveland -renamed "Browns". Jim Brown named head coach
4/2 Modell moves Memphis Tugboats to Nashville. To be the Nashville Steamship/Oilers
4/2 BigPicture Sam finally sees the big picture. WPIC is the place to be!
4/2 Foreman wins WBC Lightweight crown in a 12 round victory over Dave Thomas
4/2 Cyber-porn stocks rally Wallstreet to a record close...up 279 points in one second
4/2 modem shortage worldwide causes 1200 baud modems to become in vogue
4/2 Aunt Penny tells Kenny where to go. Call 1-800-4KR-COST for the results
4/2 Pilgrims on their way to Alpha Centauri cross the 1 billionth point
4/2 Clinton tells Carter Buchanan is a wimp...predicts a Nov. blowout
4/2 Osborne visits Alanis in ICU-offers her a healthy serving of pickle relish
4/2 Navratilova visits OJs house. See's no blood stains anywhere!
4/2 Cowher recruits Dom Capers as assistant head coach. Carolina breathless
4/3 Wrestlemania XII WWF Champ Undertaker loses belt to Freddie Blassee
4/3 Jim Brown says the Browns will go all the way-predicts undefeated season
4/3 PLG expelled from Law school-QPA too low- only 4.0
4/3 Phil Harris hits #1 on the charts-Hootie pissed!
4/3 call cremation hotline at 1-800-866-0086. No Undertaker casket needed
4/3 SF Mayor Willie Brown calls Mayor Murphy. Wants to buy the Pirates.......
4/3 Alanis takes some round little pills. Joan helps her put it down with relish
4/3 Elton visits Alanis singing "Love Lies Bleeding in my Hands"
4/3 Modell moves Steamship/Oilers back to Memphis. Asks for a $50 million concession
4/3 Last months Cleveland bicentenial (delayed) celebrated as of today
4/3 Chicago Bulls break all records in NBA history. Jordan named mayor of Chicago
4/3 SAA takes chewing tobacco to school for kids to enjoy
4/3 OJ says "I'll get those murderers-no matter what I have to do!"
4/3 Vanguard Explorer fund declares bankrupsy. Fidelity moves in.
4/3 Foreman celebrates victory at Wendy's. 251 burgers later, rushed to ICU
4/3 Foreman put in room with Morissette. He gives her some Zantac
4/4 Atlantic Coast Conference Tournament move permanently to Memphis
4/4 McClatchie tells Murphy he ain't moving the Bucs to SF-only to Sacramento!
4/4 Murphy calls Willie Brown to tell him it's a NO-GO
4/4 Willie Brown calls Jim Brown and tells him to take a trip to Pittsburgh
4/4 Federal Govt holiday-Passover govt shutdown
4/4 DS out of jail-Jane C. retained. DS flies to Frankfurt on discount ticket
4/4 Hootie visits Alanis and Foreman in hospital. Says he's had it with Blowfish
4/4 Heather Locklear to marry Sinefeld. Lets her hair grow out exposing true colors
4/4 Dioxin saturated tuna tanker docks in San Diego. Foreman leaves hospital for SD
4/4 Dunn tells Cranmer "we'll clean up this mess"
4/4 Walter Cronkite appointed CBS evening news anchor. Connie Chung co-anchor
4/4 send resume to Genesee Beer PO Box 762, Rochester NY 14603
4/4 Modell calls Jerry Jones. Wants Dione or else
4/5 Chicago Sears Tower closes down-vacant. Petronas Tower is taller. Sears goes out of business
4/5 Wall street shakes as Good (Black) friday sends DOW to record low-down 279 points
4/5 1200 baud modems reported abundant in Sri Lanka-US to import
4/5 O'Connor tells Alcoa to move Cleveland headquarters to Pittsburgh
4/5 Jim Brown visits Mayor Murphy. No details released. Modell reported on way to Dallas
4/5 Morissette discharged from hospital. Goes home with Joan and Hootie
4/5 Syracuse Mayor Bernardi calls SF Mayor Brown. Interested in revenue from Giants
4/5 Blowfish sign Richie Havens as their lead singer. Natalie Merchant upset
4/5 Foreman spotted on SD docks....a tanker is missing
4/5 Major earthquake destroys Petronas Tower in Kuala Lampur- 2000 dead
4/5 send resume to resume@fore.com AST Hardware engineer
4/6 Daffodils/tulips and crocus' sprouting all over east coast
4/6 Buffalo Mayor Anthony Masiello calls Mayor Brown/conference call with Murphy
4/6 Art conference calls Jimmy Johnson-Dan Marino hears it all
4/6 Dr. Vaillant tells Harvard Med. school it's ok to get tanked up on vodka
4/6 Alanis hits those damn pills again. She's here- to remind you!
4/6 Alcoa tells O'Connor- we are moving to Seattle. O'Connor informs Murphy
4/6 Mayor Murphy calls Dunn/Cranmer who in turn call Ridge who calls Specter
4/6 Art calls Jim Brown in Cleveland-tells him he's moving the Tugboats back home
4/6 order a computer toll free at 1-800-927-3986 Kaufmann's special deal
4/6 Bum Philips comes out of retirement to coach the Los Angeles Seahawks
4/6 Bertha goes braless in WPIC. Interns in utter shock. Light up the tobys....
4/6 Susan Sarandon gets autographs of Franco Harris and Cal Ripkin
4/7 WWF champ Freddie Blassee defeats Diesel in a grudge match. Undertaker interfers
4/7 Chieftain Hakio Hardturd calls Dr. Valliant who is counceling Alanis
4/7 Bulls destroy NBA-league ceases operations as of next week
4/7 Aunt Penny punches Kenny square in the proboskus. He's put in ICU
4/7 In a blockbuster trade-Dan Marino goes to Dallas and Aikman goes to Memphis
4/7 Mario/Lindros and Gretsky announce their collective/mutual retirement
4/7 George Bush persuades Reagan not to run for a third term
4/7 San Diego area consumed with a strange stomach virus-thousands ill
4/7 Modell calls Johnson-wants to trade teams. Dolphins to become Tugboats and vice-versa
4/7 Kmart blue light special (1-800-866-0086)
4/7 Jim Brown and Franco get into a fistfight in Youngstown. Monus referee
4/8 Mayor Masiello calls Alcoa....offers them a deal you can't refuse
4/8 PLG fails all finals...expelled from CGS
4/8 Pat Quinn resigns as GM to become coach of Boston Bruins
4/8 Scientist discover "reconstitution". Carl Jung will be the first test
4/8 NCAA announces (Big 8) tournament will be Big 12 next year in St. Louis
4/8 http://www.gianteagle.com- It takes a Giant to make life simple!
4/8 Alanis leaves Dr. Vaillant with one hand in her pocket
4/8 Cranmer conference calls Dunn and Specter and Major Bernardi of Syracuse
4/8 Modell moves Memphis Tugboats to Cleveland. Browns move to Miami.
4/8 Wall street crushed again as Biltmore Equity Fund goes down the tubes
4/8 Dentists at University of Utah reveal periodontal disease is running rampant
4/8 Pete Rose elected to Hall of Fame. McClatchie says Bucs to stay in Pittsburgh
4/9 Alcoa announces moving from Pittsburgh to Buffalo in a deal they can't refuse
4/9 Morissette tells Merchant to "wake up". Merchant says she's a "wonder"!
4/9 DS returns from Frankfurt after a side trip to Boston. Has some vodka
4/9 Mellon Bank acquires PNC and sells it's holdings in PNC to North Side deposit bank
4/9 Chieftain Hakio Hardturd says no more heroin balls!
4/9 Foreman spotted on dioxin tuna tanker off of coast of Mexico
4/9 Saturn and Mars aligned as reported by Gluesniffer Walleye from 4th dimension
4/9 Carl Jung brough back from the deceased. Wants the same for Joe Campbell
4/10 Elton visits Billionaire Ted in Atlanta. Wants to start a WCW wrestling career
4/10 Federal govt closes down internet and www. 1200 baud modems appear in NYC
4/10 O'Connor pursuades Alcoa to move back to Pittsburgh. Conference calls Murphy, Dunn + Cranmer
4/10 Modell tells Cleveland officials he's moving team to Baltimore. Landry to be new coach
4/10 Periodontal disease and halitosis run amuck....said to be related to house finch disease
4/10 "Ding Dong Daddy" falls from #1 spot. Hootie teams up with Richie and the Blowfish
4/11 Jackie Sherrill takes head coach job at Memphis Correspondance College
4/11 SAA on payroll of Philip Morris-consultant retainer fee in the bank
4/11 OJ tells press to "leave me alone-I didn't kill anyone"
4/11 Specter conference calls Murphy/Dunn/Cranmer/Modell/Bernardi/Masiello + McClatchie
4/11 Washington DC under 21 inches of snow. John Thompson says thats enough!
4/11 Lemieux/Lindros and Gretsky all sign contracts with the Florida Panthers
4/11 Jane C breaks out of prison in Murnau-vows to get DS and cut his testicles off!
4/11 Big Picture Sambo says he's in heaven at WPIC. Bertha will address that
4/12 Rick Barnes leaves Clemson to become assistant to Willard at Pitt
4/12 Art tells Landry he's fired. Hires Sherrill at a clean million a season
4/12 Cowher announces he's willing to talk trade for Barry Foster
4/12 Kmart has cyber-porn red light special
4/12 Mayor Willie Brown calls Arlen Specter and says a deal can be made.......
4/12 Osborne eats relish, Alanis pops jagged pills, and Elton takes on Rick Flair
4/12 1200 baud modems sold for $200 each. Can't keep them in supply
4/13 WWF In Your House special- Blassee loses WWF title to Interim Pres. Monsoon
4/13 Jung holds press conference on what its like to be dead. He has a mandala
4/13 Jones conference calls Modell/Jim Brown/Rooney and Al Davis..something is up
4/13 Art conference calls O'Connor and Hardturd. Murphy miffed!
4/13 Monus elected Chancellor of Cleveland State University. Re-names school Phar-mor U.
4/13 Jane C. flys to Calif. to meet with OJ. Learns about technical skills
4/13 PLG calls Syracuse Chancellor Shaw. He permits her to enroll on a PT basis in Law School
4/14 Foreman spotted off the coast of Cuba. Scheduled meeting with Fidel
4/14 Dunn and Cranmer summon Murphy to their quarters
4/14 Wall street up 297 points as Pasadena Growth Fund turns 98% return
4/14 Art trades Baltimore Mustangs for Oakland Raiders...even swap-no questions asked
4/14 Alcoa informs O'Connor that they are moving headquarters to Memphis
4/14 Alanis and Joan tie the knot. Hootie and Richie are the best men
4/14 Hardturd meets with DS and Big Picture Sambo. WPIC is shifting to PUH
4/14 Holyfield announces he will fight Foreman in Havana next month
4/14 Colin Powell says Reagan should run for President. Nancy says "no way-Jose"
4/15 AT&T stock nose dives. MCI stock at record high. Sprint sold to Telephonos de Mehico
4/15 Black monday on wall street. Greenspan declares and emergency. Clinton calls Yeltsin
4/15 CMU and Pitt modem pools convert to 1200 baud units
4/15 Posvar has an emergency meeting with Yeltsin in the Russian Room at CL
4/15 McClatchie says he will never move the Pirates out of Pittsburgh
4/15 Andy forgets his password...which one was it-unix/vms/2.2/G3R/srbook?????
4/15 Carl Jung orders Campbell reconstituted and Otis Redding is next on the list
4/15 Art threatens to move Baltimore Raiders to Havana unless he gets 100 million kickback
4/15 KDKA sells Patti Burns to WPXI for Dennis Bowman/Sam Nover and Chilly Billy
4/15 Heavy snows blast the east coast from Cleveland to Boston. East coast devistated
4/16 Posvar reports to Clinton on Yeltsin/averting ww3. Castro meets with Foreman
4/16 DS gains 20 more pounds loading out on Scwhuan Express chinese lo-mein (pork)
4/16 WWF title transfered to Vince McManon by default-Gorilla attacked by Vader
4/16 Pilgrims contact Sagan with a secret message....there are 2 headed blue deer out here!!!!
4/16 Jane C meets with PLG to get inside info on a friend. PLG updates home card on www
4/16 Pittsburgh Brewing tells Samuel Adams to "go to hell". Murphy calls Specter.
4/16 Marty Shotenheimer quits KC. Named head coach of the Baltimore Raiders.
4/17 Dawida conference calls Ridge in Harrisburg. What about that new stadium?
4/17 Utah officials say periodontal problems now "all cleaned up"-house finch's now dying left + right
4/17 Joseph Campbell rises!!!!!!
4/17 OJ calls the cremation society (1-800-722-8200).
4/17 Harvard tells George Vaillant to take a walk with Ray Milland on this coming week end
4/17 Alanis can't keep her hands out of those pockets...I'm here to remind YOU
4/17 Sears gets subsidy from US Postal Service-reopens Sears Tower
4/17 Greenspan says "all is well". The economy has never been better-and will get better!
4/17 Modell moves Baltimore Raiders to Havana and renames them the Havana Foreman Footlongs
4/17 Mayor Murphy calls Roy Bernardi and Willie Brown after confering with Gov. Ridge
4/18 Postal service out of business...email drove them the way of the dinosaur
4/18 Osborne and Morissette get divorced...Natalie is full of "wonder"
4/18 Kenneth Shaw informs PLG (in writing) that she is expelled from Law School permanently
4/18 Dom Capers quits Steelers to become defensive coach with Carolina..signs Barry Foster
4/18 Kenny kicks Aunt Penny off the lot. Mayor Murphy informed of the circumstances
4/18 Phar-Mor U. goes bankrupt......Monus says he's innocent
4/18 Kmart sells 1200 baud modems for only $59.99-call 1-800-866-0086
4/18 Phil Harris hits #1 again with Ding Dong Daddy....what a hit! Alanis vows to get him!
4/18 Wall street goes hog wild....Biltmore Equity Fund explodes....dollars everywhere
4/19 Hong Kong announces Nina Tower project will be move ahead 2 years...look out Sears
4/19 Havana Foreman Footlongs sign a letter of agreement with Calgary..moving tomorrow
4/19 LA Police state that OJ is innocent...we made a mistake...OJ instantly calls Jane C
4/19 Masiello calls Murphy who calls Dunn who calls Bernardi who calls Brown who calls Ridge
4/19 Elton signs with WWF for 1 million dollars. Ted Dibasse to be his manager
4/19 Clinton meets with Carter on Bush..he wants to sell the Rangers to McClatchie
4/19 Sarandon gets autographs from Jim Brown and Joe Greene in the same session at Canton
4/19 Martina Navratilova marries Elton in a secret ceremony in Vince McManon office
4/19 Internet crash!!!!! Too many 1200 baud modems on line. Clinton declares state of emergency
4/20 Chieftain Hardturd summond DS into his office on a saturday...look out
4/20 Mario/Lindros and Gretsky retire (again).......Panthers devistated
4/20 Cremation society contacts OJ, Jung, Campbell and (exhumed-but dead) Otis
4/20 Pete Rose resigns from Hall of Fame...Marge wants his ass
4/20 Calgary Frozen Balls announced as new NFL team by Art in Calgary...CFL protests
4/20 suddenly...a humongous storm hits the midwest...record snowfalls/cold in Chicago, etc
4/20 Record storm spreads from mid west all the way to Cuba.....everything frozen solid
4/20 Sagan announces that the Pilgrims forwarned him that "trouble was on it's way"
4/20 Cronkite reports Comet plgoglp is destined for the earth.... NASA in caous
4/20 Clinton calls Yeltsin..conference calls Posvar.. calls Modell in Calgary (communications cut off)!
4/21 Modell utilizes a 1200 baud modem to contact Clinton.....Sagan contacted
4/21 Sagan consults Jung and Campbell (reconstituted).... it seems a hero can stop plgoglp
4/21 Wall street goes nuts.....nothing means nothing anymore....AT&T selling for 1 cent a share now
4/21 Conference call between Clinton/Sagan/Yeltsin/Campbell/Jung/Posvar/Bush and OJ
4/21 Conference call between Modell/Jones/Johnson/Canton/Brown/and Hardturd
4/22 New York Times said" God is dead" and that Levon calls his child "Jesus"
4/22 A blacker monday hits Wall Street.......world markets in absolute turmoil
4/22 NASA launches space shuttle (secret) mission.......only Sagan knows what is involved
4/22 A strange epidemic of periodontal disease and halitosis sweeps the nation
4/22 The global snow storm takes effect..........the whole earth is covered in snow and ice
4/22 Modell uses a 1200 baud modem to contact the space shuttle
4/22 Elvis rises from the dead (WITHOUT) reconstitution!!!!!
4/23 Art promises Endeavor crew he will move Calgary to Cleveland if they destroy plgoglp
4/23 Walter reports the world is saved!!!!! Space Shuttle successfully wrecked streaking Comet
4/23 The world is happy and Alanis has her hand back in her pocket..Hootie only want's to be with YOU
4/23 Barry Foster signs a 100 million dollar contract with Carolina
4/24 Earth thaws real quick-except for north and south poles
4/24 "I was having cold sweats at night" OJ tells a Star reporter pertaing to that Comet
4/24 Bobby Womack Re-records "Fly me to the Moon" with Carla Thomas in the background
4/24 Cyber-porn is the #1 Wall Street stock....up 279 points overnight
4/24 Mayor Murphy calls Jim Brown in Cleveland. Jim refuses the call. Says he will only talk to Franco
4/24 O'Connor tells City Council that Alcoa is moving back to Pittsburgh
4/24 In a shocker in Memphis- Diesel wins WWF title from Elton John
4/24 Alanis changes her name to "Marsupial"..Joan changes her name to "Osmosis"
4/25 Marsupial gets involved with Osmosis....things get shaken up and torn around
4/25 Jane C stalks DS...DS gets on his bike and heads for Calif. to meet with OJ
4/25 Murphy calls Brown who calls Hardturd who calls Dunn who calls Shaw who calls...............
4/25 Canton tells the NFL they are moving the facility to Cleveland...Art is the link!
4/25 Mean Joe Green tells Arizona I am here to win the Superbowl..and- he (means) that!
4/25 Tobacco cartel gives SAA a $40,000 kickback to support chewing tobacco in school
4/25 Foreman and Castro enjoy Zantac on dioxin tuna boat..Modell a no-show
4/26 White Friday hits Wall Street......everything kosher..Greenspan says "see-I told you so"!
4/26 DS near Youngstown........mistakenly looking for Monus-who is in jail in Cleveland
4/26 WWW crashes! Billions of users from China get on line with 28800 baud modems
4/26 WPXI sells Derek Gunn to WTAE for Joe (who doesn't know)
4/26 Jung and Campbell join the WWF as a tag team defeating Undertaker/Diesel for the title
4/26 Modell transfers Frozen Balls to Cleveland and Bengals move back to southern Ohio
4/26 Giant Eagle has Wisc. cheese on sale...see www.gianteagle.com
4/26 Reagan acting up again but Nancy cools him off with a teleprompter
4/27 Undertaker wins WWF title beating 39 different opponents (Pall Bearer interfered with urn)
4/27 300 baud modems- red light special at Kmart...cheaper at Walmart though
4/27 Bertha goes berzerk at WPIC..... runs wild bottomless....Interns annihilated. Big Picture on the scene
4/27 Castro deports Foreman for eating "all our resources"-put on a tugboat headed for Miami
4/27 Wilson Pickett admits to Inquirer that he is the father of Morissette
4/27 Current Affair reports that Booker T and the MGs fathered Alanis
4/27 Elvis told Cronkite he was the father of those jagged little pills..never told Prissila
4/27 Capers leaves Carolina to coach NewFoundland in the ECCFL
4/28 Steelers announce automated tickets at 3 Rivers this coming season...300 baud modems involved
4/28 Jagged Little Pills get stuck in the esophaugus...Just to remind YOU!
4/28 First Investors High Yield drops its bottom-shit all over wall street
4/28 Willie Brown calls Tom Murphy who calls Dawida who calls Kaufmanns at 1-800-927-3986
4/28 Otis rises........thank God
4/28 Harvards George Vailliant talks to Bill Parcells about Art Modell (in confidence)
4/28 Earthquake rocks Hong Kong...............Nina Tower completely wrecked! 2001 dead
4/28 Masiello calls Brown who calls Murphy who calls Shaw who calls Specter who calls Sherrill who calls..
4/29 Alcoa says they will negotiate with O'Connor only if Modell is the mediator
4/29 Outside of Columbus DS is seen huffing and puffing...spotted getting MD 20-20!
4/29 Richie/Hootie and Elton sign up for the concert of the Century....In Memphis
4/29 Modell says he hates Cleveland. Will move his team to Baltimore. Name?....Rangers
4/29 Franco floors Jim Brown. Pete Rose floors Marge. Posvar floors Tucci.
4/29 Chieftain Hardturd talks to former governor Jerry Brown-this goes no where
4/29 Periodontal disease found to be running rampant in House finch populations
4/29 Foreman says he will not fight Holyfield...unless Modell is the ref
4/30 Bush sells Texas Rangers to McClatchie who transfers them to Sacramento
4/30 Murphy calls McClatchie who calls Ridge who calls Specter who calls Clinton..on and on
4/30 Jane C gets on a bike to chase DS...reported near Cincinnati now
4/30 Alanis has her hand in her pocket (as usual)...but what is she after
4/30 Baltimore Rangers moved to Hartford to be renamed Hartford WWFers
4/30 Jerry Jones predicts Dallas will beat the 49ers in the NFC champ next year..Barry says "yes"
4/30 Merle Oberon reconstituted by Carl Jung
If you enjoyed this material, you can find other satire, humor, comedy and sarcasm written by Dan Sroka at the following sites:
- Dan Sroka World Famous Calendars and Short Stories
- Dan Sroka's Unpublished Proceedings
- Dan Sroka's Digital Diarrhea
- satire-by-sroka
- Dan Sroka's Berserk Briefs
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