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Dr. Ezzard Scrotumballs - Pioneer
Antwerp, Belgium (DDNS) From his dank, dark and somber basement laboratory
on Ebberstrassen, in the obscure slum district of Antwerp, comes word that the impossible has occurred. Psychiatrist Dr. Ezzard Scrotumballs has
achieved his life long goal. He has transcended into the fourth dimension! Unfortunately, it all ends tragically.
Scrotumballs, renowned in clinical psychiatric circles throughout the
world, has been working on this project for more
than a decade. His efforts to cross over to the other side have been
documented in Dementia Cabeza Loco, The International Journal of
Cognitive Dysfunctions, Space, Time and Money Shot, The Sunday Night New
York Reamer, The Unpublished Proceedings, The British Standard Psychosis Reference Tables, and scores of other literary publications of global significance. Digital Diarrhea has obtained exclusive rights to publish Scrotumballs account of his experience in the fourth
dimension. (For the public record- DDNS paid Dr. Ezzard Scrotumballs a
healthy stipend for these exclusive rights. Lets say the figure was over
$100,000.00 in cash, and tickets to see the Corrs live in Belfast.)
Scrotumballs emphasized what he is about to elaborate on won’t make
“logical or rational sense”. He advises: “We (humans) are
creatures trapped in three dimensions. Our sensory organs have adapted,
over millions of years of development, to experience our world in three
dimensions only. It is a known fact that other dimensions, (up to ten by
one theory) exist, but we just can’t relate to them or experience
them due to the neurological structure of our brains and our cognitive
programming.”
Dr. Scrotumballs began his long winded account of his journey by injecting something from a syringe into his right jugular vein. “In the course of human endeavors, man has continually strived to reach the unreachable.
From the mythological time of Adam and Eve, to the days of Sodom and
Gomorrah...” The interviewer interjects, “Stay with the issue at
hand and cut the rhetoric, Dr. Scrotumballs!”.
“Oh, yes. That. Well, anyway, on Thursday, I had been contemplating
the nature of the metaphysical universe as contrasted to the quantum
mechanical paradigm as it relates to the work of Saul Paul Sirag and
Sarfatti. A couple of Z and W bosons merged with a quark neutrino in my
cerebellum and...” Interviewer interjects, “Dr. Scrotumballs-
get to the point! What did you experience?”
“The decoherence functional of outside randomness provides a
wavepacket template for electrical based quarks under general relativity
of 12th phase string theory.” Interviewer interjects, “I
don’t understand you. Cut the bull shit and get to the issue.
What the fuck happened?”
Dr. Ezzard Scrotumballs took a long pause and pulled out another syringe
and injected something into his left jugular vein. A few moments pass as
our reporter taps his fingers on the table in silence. Scrotumballs
continues: “It was beyond description that mere words could describe.
You see, I was in more than one place at once. First off, I was in London,
for some ungodly reason. Yes, the Chelsea Drugstore. I was with Mr. Jimmy and an angelic choir was singing in the background and I walked over to see and hear them and oh My God what a surprise to see
those babes! Three girls and a guy and somehow I was having sex with all
three of them simultaneously at the same time, as odd as that sounds, and
they were singing and playing at the same moment and it was all for me and
no one else, but Mr. Jimmy had a glass of wine in his hand, but at the
same time he was dead! So I finished up balling the babes and we all
turned into cold Italian pizzas and the lemon squeezers were in the
trinity of a virgin birth of three Ezzard Scrotumballs (Juniors) and they
were crying out -....” Interviewer interjects, “What are you trying to say, Mr.
Scrotumballs? May I interpret this to mean you were back in the late
‘60s with Mick Jagger and Keith Richards and you were having sex with
the Corrs girls all
at the same time?”
Scrotumballs looks perplexed and stumped, pops some kind of a green pill,
takes a few deep breaths and continued. “T universe myriads of fuzzy
logic super string theory impose gravitational restrictions on dissimilar
objects, including carbon based loop life forms, mathematical
singularities of space-time quadrants notwithstanding, mirror
manifolds...” Interviewer interjects, “Look, windbag, I
don’t understand this poppycock bull shit lingo. We are paying you
over $100,000 to explain in simple , understandable English terms!
What the fuck was it that you experienced when you went into the forth
dimension?! Now, I’m gonna give you one last fucking chance,
goon! Speak English!”
Dr. Ezzard Scrotumballs seemed confused and in a kind of “limbo”
state for a moment or two. Then he asked if he could use the portable
urinal/shitpot that he always carries with him. We granted
Scrotumballs this liberty, but (Oh My God!) the fucking odor drove us out
of the room for a good 20 minutes. No one was in the room with
Scrotumballs at that point. So we don’t know what did or did not
happen. Anyway, when we returned, he was a little pale and appeared to be
nervous and/or anxious.
“Now, Dr. Scrotumballs...what was it like to be in another
dimension?” The good doctor took a deep breath and his eyes rolled to the left.
“Do you want to experience the fourth dimension? Just look around
you! You are in the fourth dimension, son.” Interviewer interjects
again, “I didn’t ask you that, imbecile! Do you understand
English? What did YOU experience in this alien world?”
Scrotumballs pulled out a large syringe and injected something right into
his testicular area. He seemed to mellow out and relax. Almost like an
amoeba or spineless jelly fish. Dr. Scrotumballs was foaming at the mouth
slightly as he responded, “I was at the crooked pass of Kithairon
and my ankles were tied together. Funny, it rings a bell-
Teiresias had told me I was the one, but I didn’t heed. Shit, I set
myself up!” Interviewer interjects, “You are impossible! I give
up!”
Then, tragedy struck. Our interviewer left the room in disgust and
returned minutes later, only to find Psychiatrist Ezzard Scrotumballs
sitting in his chair in a pathetic-tragic state. Dr. Scrotumballs had
jammed two syringes in his eyes, blinding himself for eternity. It
seems the misguided doctor could not handle the pressure of experiencing
the fourth dimension. He’s resting, under heavy sedation, at the Antwerp Rabbi Emanuel
Berkovitz Clinic for Mental Disorders.
Scrotumballs’ career as a pioneering clinical psychiatrist and trend
setting innovative thinker are done. He’s a blind helpless sap and
mixed up human vegetable, at this point.
DDNS kept the tickets for the Corrs concert in Belfast. They will do us
more good than him. The mental quagmire Scrotumballs plays the music constantly.
Copyright © Dan Sroka, 9/11/99, 
4/08
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