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Dan Sroka Presents Digital Diarrhea Volume #23

Hefty Beefers Embark Upon Final/Ultimate Quest

You Can Be a Part of Their Ultimate Journey

(DDNS) Your have read about them time and time again. The infamous Texas Fatboys, also know as the Texas Boozeboys, have begun their last hurrah. These three beefy human monstrosities, Buckminster Shitpants, Sheister Doughboy and Chief Hakio Hardturd have signed a collective suicide pack and will be dead by Christmas. You read it right- the boys will consume themselves to death. Here are all of the ugly details.

Upon word of this bizarre final journey, Digital Diarrhea dispatched star reporter Helena Frenulum Hymen to Dallas to personally speak with the big boys about their decision. Hymen interrupted the gruesome trinity at the Dallas Double-Oink Ranch where the three were in a frenzied gluttonfest. She managed to speak with the fat boys between deep-fried turkeys.

Hymen: “What is wrong with you? Why are you going to eat yourself to death?”

Hakio Hardturd: (Between mouthfuls of chewing turkey meat and big swallowing gulps) “I’ve seen and done it all. I’ve been a union mogul, a janitor and I’ve been outside of Dallas once or twice. I’ve paid my dues. Now it is (literally) time to eat” spurted out the 560 lb. human garbage dump. Hardturd grabbed another fistful of fried turkey meat and swallowed hard, gasping for air. “My life is complete. What better way to go out than eating constantly, over the holiday period, until my heart ruptures!” Sweating profusely, Hardturd continued eating, handful after handful.

3 big fat mother fuckers!

Hymen astutely sensed she was not going to get much out of this behemoth and moved gingerly to the next chair were Sheister Doughboy, another near 600 lb. lard bucket, was swallowing a bucket of mashed potatoes as if it was his last meal.

Hymen: “Mr. Doughboy- do you have anything to say? I know you are ravenously hungry!”

Sheister Doughboy: “Ummmm, good. My buddies and I are celebrating. It’s the holidays. Let’s eat”.

Hymen: “But you are so very fat already, Sheister Doughboy”.

Sheister Doughboy: “Ah fuck. There ain’t nothing else to do. Here- want a turkey neck?”

Hymen declined the generous offering from the obsessed blob and moved over to speak with the last of the three eating machines, hoping to get a little more information as to why these beasts are on this weird trip.

Hymen: “What is going on in your mind, Mr. Buckminster Shitpants?”

Buckminster: “What?” (gnarling sounds)

Hymen: “Why are you attempting to commit suicide?”

Buckminster: “Ugh” (vicious gnarling sounds)

Shitpants maneuvered his big fat ass enough to encapsulate all the food in his immediate vicinity in between his outstretched arms and gave Helena Frenulum Hymen a mean scowl.

Hymen did learn some concrete information about this suicide pack from Baluga H Cornhole, friend of the Texas Fatboys and sponsor of the event. Baluga would not permit his comments to be quoted in any media, so this synopsis comes from Hymen.

The three fatboys were each recently given the new turkey fryer units as holiday gifts from Mr. Cornhole. They got pretty excited about that and decided this was it. From there, the lardos made a pack to eat until they die. There are plenty of turkeys around right now, and they are dirt cheap, so everything fell into place.

The boys are well on their way to achieving their goal. Since they embarked, they gained a total of 120 lbs collectively, having consumed 16 deep fried turkeys since Wednesday. “They have eaten a lot of other food too”, commented Hymen.

Now, how can you be a part of the final, ultimate journey of these human gorillas? Easy. The fatboys need lots of help in getting their graves dug. If you are in the vicinity of the Double-Oink Ranch, or anywhere near the Dallas-Ft. Worth area, you are welcome to volunteer your digging services on this project. Three plots, covering the size of a basketball court are set aside. You can begin digging today. It might help work off a few of those holiday pounds you have put on recently. And, it will help the boys in their final quest.

9/08

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