Dan Sroka's Digital Diarrhea Volume #3

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Dan Sroka Presents Digital Diarrhea Volume #3

Russians Don’t Prepare For Y2K

St. Petersburg, Russia (DDNS) “We don’t care about no fucking Y2K! What is that, a new kind of anal jelly? Just give me my cigarettes, my nightly gallon of vodka, plenty of kielbassa and pierogies, and a babe to fuck and I’m satisfied,” is the typical attitude of most people in the former Soviet Union. These words came from 49 year old street bum/hustler Vladimirivov Lapinlislki, a local tyrant and roughneck.

Russian drunkard

“Look here, Comrade. I don’t like no fucking Americans anyway. As a matter of fact I might just floor your fucking ass here and now. What right do you have to come over here and drink up all my booze, smoke my cigarettes and fuck my women? God damn you, I’ll give you a pounding like you’ve never had. As a matter of fact, I hate all Americans and if any of you don’t like it I’ll come over there and beat the shit out of all of you. I challenge every man in America to a 15 round slugfest. I’ve never lost a battle yet, and you fucking wimps sure as hell don’t scare me. Vladimirivov Lapinlislki, foaming at the mouth and dribbling piss down his jeans, was lead away to the local holding pen for drunkards for his nightly rest.

In another section of this majestic city our reporter, incognito in peasant garb and with a big fake mustache on, approached 4 middle aged bags in an open court. The four big female bulls were dancing and appeared to be bombed out of their minds. One of the human battleships approached our man on the scene and told him : “What the fuck do you want, you ignorant shit bucket. You’re a fucking American, aren’t you? I hate you and your people, and your damn Y2K bull shit, wars, sex perversions, etc. I ought to beat the shit out of you, you fucking wimp. What right do you have here anyway? You are all the same. You come here, smoke up all of our imported American cigarettes, drink all our expensive vodka, fuck our men limp, and then try to exploit us further. Why you no good bastard- I’m gonna fuck you up right now!”

4 Female Bulls

Next we get word from the plaza food court section of the city. “Fuck you and your Y2K too”, were the words of Breznev Bolshivitz, a 400 pound human gorilla who has been serving the local folks pork fat wieners and haluski noodles for the last 27 years. “I work hard for my money. I serve these here fat wieners to the local pauper gluttons and they are happy for what they have. A carton of cigarettes a day, a gallon of vodka a day, plenty of pork wieners, and a good fuck- that’s all we need. We don’t care about your bull shit computers, outernet thing, and wars. I hate all Americans. You’re a fucking American, aren’t you? Why you no good fucking imperialist, I’ve got a notion to fuck you up right here- right now!”

In another section of St. Petersburg, our battered reporter took yet more verbal and physical abuse. A gang of street thug punk teenagers beat the shit out of him, stealing everything including every piece of clothing - even his stinking socks! Now THAT was bad! One punk thug carved “Y2K” in our reporters forehead with a stiletto knife. It required 56 stitches.

So much for preparation for the Y2K problem. Maybe our reporter happened to be in all the wrong places at the wrong times. Maybe our reporter just invokes strong emotional reactions in people. Anyway, we felt it necessary to get him out of Russia. He was brought back to America pronto. Unfortunately, he was killed in a shootout as he exited the plane in New York City. A gang of high school teenage punk terrorist mistook him for a school mate and killed him as he came off the flight. We paid for his funeral and cremation.

4/08

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