Cleveland, Ohio In perhaps the most bizarre, unbelievable and tragic incident ever eleven helpless, crippled children were devoured by a crazed, and as it was subsequently learned, DRUNK hippopotamus at the Cuyahoga Municipal Zoo.
"This is the tragedy of all tragedies" according to Cuyahoga County junior-assistant trainee District Attorney Kirk Robin. "The twisted events of this whole scenario would make Oedipus Rex seem a walk in the park".
"George", a normally mild mannered 2500 lb. aquatic beast that has been a happy resident of the Cuyahoga Municipal Zoo for the last 4 years just went nuts. The animal charged up out of it's aquatic swamp onto the protected grounds where the eleven preschoolers from the Shaker Heights Home for Unwanted Crippled and Retarded Children were enjoying their first zoo visit. It was just unbelievable! That beast started eating the helpless children, one after another, metal leg braces, walkers and all. The children did not understand what was happening, being too young and naive. Some even walked right into the hippos bloody jaws voluntarily.
"We are stunned and dismayed at this tragic affair" stated Cuyahoga Municipal Zoo President Buck Wing III. "Our facility is one of the safest in the entire United States. We have never had an incident were any of our animals have attacked humans before. Last month one of our polar bears ate two horses that went astray but that was an accident. We stand by our impeccable safety record and tradition. No one can predict what a drunk hippo might do...they can be dangerous".
And what Buck Wing was referring to, and what it was only subsequently learned was the cause of George's aggression, was due to a vehicular accident that occurred several hours prior on W117 St. (the eastern border of zoo property and the immediate location of the hippo's domain). A 50,000 gallon stainless steel tanker truck full of malt liquor had turned over and ruptured, allowing all of the booze to escape. "Northern Erie Hazmat officials informed us that the contents of the tanker had all drained safely into the storm sewers in the immediate vicinity, but the hippo quarters are physically below W117. We know now that a good portion of that slop washed downhill into George's swamp hole and he obviously drank it all up and became stoned", announced George's trainer and caretaker Gail Tempest.
"People don't realize that hippos can be very violent, aggressive animals. We have this cartoon image of the happy hippo in our minds. That is not the case. These beasts are carnivorous, and well, you add a lot of alcohol to the mix and you have all the makings of a tragedy like that which occurred today" offered Tempest. "We know George was plastered. His blood alcohol was 2.7, enough to kill almost anything living. And that explains why George fell into a deep sleep right on the grounds after devouring the crippled/retarded children. Hippos don't do that. But apparently he knew better than to go back into that pickled water again."
Cuyahoga County junior-assistant trainee District Attorney Kirk Robin could not say whether any charges would be brought against the Zoo management or staff or the driver or owner of the stainless tanker truck involved in the accident. "We are studying this issue very carefully for it is precedent setting. We might have to put George in solitary confinement, along the banks of the Cuyahoga River. That would be punishment for anyone or anything!" The drunken killer hippo has been charged with involuntary murder, involuntary public intoxication and disruption of the peace.
3/08
