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How Ludicrous Can This Get?

My God- we have come so far in so short of a time span. If, lets say, as little as 7 years ago you would have told me there would be something like the “internet” I would have told you “you are fucking nuts! Not in a thousand years would you have a means for virtually anyone on this planet to instantly communicate with each other. Or to virtually be somewhere that doesn’t exist in reality! What a dreamer you are!” Well, I learned quickly, and painfully, just how wrong I was.

So, not only is the cyber-world/internet/www real and viable, it’s added another dimension to our lives. In just a few short years the software and hardware has been developed so that now almost anyone can afford their own personal computer. I bought my first computer (Mac Plus) back in January of 1989. It had a wonderful MC68000 Processor with 7.83 megahertz clock speed, 1 megabyte of RAM, no hard drive, and a built in powerful 3.5 inch floppy drive! I got it dirt cheap, at my University discount price of $1,099. By the time I added a second floppy drive, a 2400 baud modem, a hard drive, and expanded the memory, I’d paid $2,000. Guess what? By today’s standards you couldn’t do much with it. There was no “internet” that we knew of back then-- just Unix and VMS.

Still, I loved my little Mac Plus, but I quickly realized it was inadequate and I bought a sophisticated Mac Performa. It was amazing. You could even get the new “internet” thing on it, with something called Netscape 1 or Mosaic! Man, it was a wonderful thing. You had to turn the “pictures” off, otherwise it would take forever to download even the simplest of pages. Soon after I bought the Mac Performa the modems became even faster, so my Mac Performa became obsolete overnight.

A few years have gone by since then. You can now get a PC for free (assuming you hook up with one of those rip-off ISPs and pay @$30 a month for 3 years). Or, you can pay $400 or so and get a top of the line computer with every damn bell and whistle that exists. You can get anything and everything you ever wanted or needed for free over the internet--free webspace, free email, free ISP connection, free graphics, free content for your site, free love, free companionship, free sex. Yeah, free my ass!

Everything is free now, and it’s all over this thing that didn’t even exist just a few years back. Hell, I must admit... on my network of humor sites I not only have to write/edit/produce/design/create everything on my own, but I have to offer freebies to get people to (hopefully) come to my sites and read the fucking free humor I’ve created! Shit- writing this stuff is not enough incentive to get people there. So I offer a free homepage service and a free email service that hopefully will entice people to come to my free sites and read my fucking free humor/satire, and that doesn’t even work too well!

So how ludicrous can this get? I’ll tell you how ludicrous. Since I’m an innovative and trend-setting guy, I’m going to go one step further and stay ahead of this game. We’ve gone from something that didn’t exist a few years ago to free everything now, so I’m going to take the next logical step. I’m not only going to create/write/produce/publish the stuff at absolutely no cost whatsoever, and give you all kinds of free services in addition to the free material I’m writing for you, but I’m going to PAY you just to come to to read the fucking free stuff! That’s right- I will pay anyone who visits this story $1,000 cash. Hell, I’m not even asking you to read it. Just come to this site. Send me your name and address and I will send you $1,000 cash immediately! Shit, maybe I’ll send you $5,000. Perhaps I’ll just start sending out envelopes stuffed with thousands of dollars to anyone and everyone on the entire planet! Don’t even come here! I’ll just pay you cause you are alive. But then, I’d be discriminating against the dead. So, in order to stay ahead of that game- send me the names of all of your dead ancestors and relatives and I’ll send you $50,000 cash for each and every one of them. But then, what about all the animals and plants on the Earth? What about all the alien life forms that probably live somewhere else in this universe and what about other universes? What about all the things that will be discovered in the future?

God, I better come up with a better plan.

Produced for an ezine, 3/00

3/08

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