Questions and Answers
This one comes from Darmstadt, Germany:
Hi Magpie. How are you doing? I'm ok, but I have a question for you. You
see, I'm dating this new guy. Yeah, I broke up with Baluga H Cornhole. Everyone
told me that SOB was no damn good and after he and his union buddies tied me up to the
bed and gang raped me I broke off our engagement. He'll be in the Erbach
lockup for many years. Anyway, this new dude I'm shacking up with...lets
say his name is "Billy Boy", and I have a great relationship. He really cares about me. We do
everything together like scuba diving, eating corn on the cob at Denny's, smoking toby's
together in the rear alleyway behind the Kennedy Library, feeding pigeons
left over cheese popcorn, getting high on Pearl Jam, cleaning out the urinals at the local hockey
rink, etc. I like everything about my new man Billy Boy but he has become
somewhat demanding of me recently. You see, he wants to always, well, you
know, put his secretions on me. Billy Boy is always giving me a "facial".
I told him I have to take good care of my complexion and he took that to
mean he could hose my face over whenever, where ever and with whomever
present. He just gets the urge and next thing you know I'm getting hosed
down, be it in the library, alleyway, the counter at Denny's, the hockey
rink urinal wall, the swimming pool- you get the picture. I'm tired of
this and I'm starting to get zits all over my face. I got a big carbuncle
on my nose now and I haven't had one of those since I was 14 years old! I
don't think it's fair to me that Billy Boy gets his rocks off and I in
turn gets zits. I really like him but I guess I'm going to have to end our
relationship. Please Magpie, give me your suggestions on this big problem.
Frauline Fellatio Freda
Darmstadt
Hello Freda. Sounds like you got yourself in a real bind there. Have you
asked Billy Boy to stop this activity? If he refuses, maybe you can ask
him to put his secretions somewhere else like on your thigh. How about
that bikini you wear when your going down deep? Better yet, why not force
him to take your secretions right in his face next time your in
Denny's eating corncobs. That would teach that chauvinistic pig a thing or two!
By the way Frauline Freda, if you are looking for a new man I am not
currently involved with anyone and, you know I always did have my eye out
for you and I really do like Denny's corn. How about a date tonight?
Heroinballs emailed our office complaining
that he can't "get off" like he formerly could. The drug king elaborated
that he gave himself a special Halloween elixir the other night which was
a concoction of numerous illegal drugs that included, but was not limited
to:
- 40 Meprospan-400
- 20 Chloral Hydrate amphetamines
- 1 ml morphine (straight into the jugular)
- 10 Librium 15 mg.
- 14 Carbrital capsules
- 1 orange Thorazine 50 mg.
- 1 big white Empirin compound .5 gr. (soaked in 100 proof absolute
alcohol)
- 12 Tuinal 3 gr.
- 60 Alprazolam .50 mg (Green Bay Packer bombs)
- 40 Lorazepam 2 mg.
- 10 orange heart shaped Dexedrine poppers
- 6 blue heart shaped Dexamyl bombs
- 4 Ritalin 10 mg.
- 2 big snorts of coke, one for each nostril
- 1 bottle of Doriden goof balls
- 30 Peyote leaves
- and numerous other mind altering substances
Heroinballs indicated he could not get even a "mild buzz" off of that and
so he engulfed enough dope to kill a pack of Colombian mules, but, with even
that, he merely got a "light high", as he worded it. He is upset that he is
paying thousands of dollars several times daily and can't even get a good
ball-buster anymore.
The Magpie recommendation for Heroinballs is an OJ style razor sharp 15
inch knife right through one, preferably both jugular veins.
Email
magpie
5/08
