satire-by-sroka #14

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Paul Croft Killed in A Drunken Brawl

Local police are investigating a tragic and pathetic murder that occurred on St. Patrick’s Day at a local bar/pool hall. Cops arrested and charged Buckminster Shitpants (aka Buckminster Brownpants) with murder after this saturday night drunkfest. Police and witnesses at Pedro’s Pool Hall verified that Buckminster bludgeoned and killed semi famous internet hamster Paul Croft after the two argued most of the night about who could drink more booze and fix furnaces and boilers better.

Pedro, proprietor of the pool hall, who served plenty of beer and greasy sausages to both of these drunks, and a lot of others, all night long, stated “I heard that Paul would pay you to fix your furnace. So I deliberately removed the thermocouple from old Betsie in the basement and invited Paul Croft in to have a look at her. But Buckminster took exception to this and challenged Croft to a “winner take all marathon furnace repair duel”. I warned Croft not to get involved with this roughneck (Buckminster), but, since I wanted Paul’s money (for fixing the furnace) I let ‘em carry on. It got out of hand from there”.

Another witness and bar regular picks up the tragic events from that point. Alfonso Crowbar, a furnace repairman himself, elaborated “We were all pretty tanked up. Buckminster is a big man and he can drink as much as any two men. Paul Croft was no match for the big bruiser. The rumor was that Croft would not only fix your furnace, but pay you to fix it. And when he pulled the thermocouple out of his pocket and started to repair Pedro’s furnace, BuckMONSTER snapped out. He knew he’d been outdone and made to be a fool (in front of all his bar buddies and fellow alcoholics). Foaming at the mouth and screaming like a banshee, Buckminster grabbed a rusty old boiler pipe and did the job on poor Paul Croft. It was a tragic ending to an otherwise pleasant night of heavy boozing at Pedro’s”.

Police Chief Igor Razapatowicz stated “Paul Croft was known around town and on the internet for his generous and liberal patterns of giving out money freely. Aside from fixing boilers and furnaces, he had a reputation of dispensing cash like there was no tomorrow”, commented Razapatowicz as he put a roll of Canadian $100 bills in his pocket and dragged the filled body bag to the waiting express Hearse to the local graveyard.

Bar owner Pedro who likewise had a roll of Canadian $100 bills sticking out of his pocket paid homage to the latest man to be killed in his establishment. “I’ve decided to name a drink after Paul Croft. It will be called the “Croft boilermaker” and will have a swizzle stick in it shaped like a thermocouple. I might even change the name Pedro’s Pool Hall to Paul’s Funhouse, but I’m not too convinced that’s appropriate.

There will be no funeral. If you want to help pay for burial expenses, send contributions in unmarked bills in a plain brown paper envelope.

4/08

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