Artificial Man

Heroinballs had been clean, sober and straight for all of 15 minutes when the green slime demons began to circle him. He quickly reached for the bottle of percosets and downed the whole thing. “Ahhhhhh, that’s better”, he thought, as he headed for the liquor store.

Never in the last 40 plus years had he gone for more than 1 day without some kind of artificial stimulant/depressant. You see, Heroinballs is the complete “artificial man”. From the moment he wakes, to the second before he passes out in a convoluted stupor at the end of his day, he’s high (or low) on something. Sometimes Heroinballs is both high and low at the same time. Like right now. He’s walking down the street, on his way to the Liquor Store/Porn Market. He’s got his brown shopping bag with him. Lets tune into his head:

“Wooooo..... that was scary. Those green monsters were going to eat me alive. I though I killed them all off last week. Or was that saturday? Who is that woman following me? I didn’t steal her paper bag! Where is the liquor store? Where am I? Who is in my head with me?”

So, you see- he is a pretty pathetic character. But, if you had been abusing drugs and alcohol exclusively for over 40 years you might be in the same condition, or worse, than Mr. Heroinballs.

At his destination, he gets several big bottles of liquor and a porn video and he’s now set. He steals a hearty swig of rum from one of the big jugs to tide him over until he can walk back home. “There’s that woman again. Why is she following me? I think she’s trying to steal my bag! That’s it... she’s going to steal my booze”. Heroinballs starts running in a panic- straight home.

In the house, he pulls down all the shades, locks the doors and gets out a bottle of amphetamines. Heroinballs swallows hard, a whole bottle of pills and half a bottle of rum. Now, he feels better. More calm and more natural. He takes a little nap.

Heroinballs wakes in a cold sweat. Beads of sweat pouring out of him like a river. He grabs a bottle of whiskey and downs that. Cigarettes can’t be consumed fast enough. “Who said I was artificial?” He looks around and he is surrounded by green slime demons and women who are reaching for his paper bag. It’s time for another trip to the liquor store. He forgot about the porn video. He doesn’t need that anyway, since he can hallucinate and entertain himself.

“Where’s my shopping bag? Who stole my bag!?” In a frenzied, panic state Heroinballs passes out and falls to the floor, bombed out of his gourd. Later, he wakes in a convoluted quagmire of hazy thoughts and loosely woven guilt. “Got to get to the liquor store before they close at 10 pm.” He looks at his watch, It’s 9:51 pm. He will never make it. There’s a woman looking at him. “What does she want from ME?”

Heroinballs staggers out the door. Once again he will have to spend the night at Pedro’s drinking beer and wine all night long. Tomorrow will be better. He’ll be clean and sober tomorrow. “Since when did Pedro start serving green slime monsters at the bar?”

4/08

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