Aliens Found in Texas

It has been predicted by world renowned prognosticator Assmericus, and it has now been confirmed by the authorities- aliens are in Texas. No, not illegal aliens. These are real aliens from outer space. And the ironic twist of the shocking story is they are here because of the illegal aliens!

Rumors, lies and false stories have been produced for some time now about aliens living in Texas. That is all poppycock bullshit. It took a man who has been dead for over four hundred years, Assmericus, to steer people along the right path. To make them see the unbelievable truth- that aliens are in the hell-hole called Texas. It has now been confirmed.

It took the esteemed Psychiatrist Dr. Ezzard Scrotumballs of Belgium, who happens to be an expert on the works of Assmericus, to piece the mystery together. Scrotumballs knew of Assmericus’ famous prediction, but he set out to confirm it in solid, quantifiable scientific fact, and he’s done just that.

For months, sweating his balls off in the Texas heat, Scrotumballs examined billions of dust mites under his super metaphysical quantum digital electron microscope and he found shocking proof that all of the dust mites in Texas are really living miniature alien beings. Through extensive and elaborate testing, and signal tracking with the super hyperbolic digital googleplex antenna system, Scrotumballs discovered these aliens were communicating with Miranda, an obscure moon of the planet Uranus.

Even more shocking- Dr. Ezzard Scrotumballs learned that the alien dust mites are here for two reasons, both directly related to illegal wetback aliens that dominate the population of southern Texas.

Scrotumballs has learned that the aliens are transferring the Texas heat, as well as the sulfur and methane constantly emitted by these greasy taco/burrito eating illegal aliens, back to Miranda. VIA a sophisticated quasi-telepathic process that we know little, if anything about, these microscopic aliens are transporting the very two things they need on Miranda. They need heat, as it is near absolute zero there, and they need methane and sulfur, two important life-sustaining gasses of Miranda.

NASA has completely rejected and denied Dr. Ezzard Scrotumballs scientific evidence. In fact, spokesperson Richard (Wild Irish) Rose, today announced at a NASA press conference in Houston: “this is all poppycock bullshit.” Rose abruptly left the news conference, indicating he has a severe allergic sensitivity to dust mites.

3/08

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