satire-by-sroka #22

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satire-by-sroka

Internet A Complete Failure

The Federal Government has announced that the world wide web (or internet) is a complete and utter failure and, as a result, will be removed from service at the end of the year. The Internet 2 project has likewise officially been terminated. The end of the information age is here.

Government officials deny that the powerful consumer products lobbies are behind this internet termination. It had been rumored that the tobacco, alcohol and drug manufacturers claimed they were not able to make any money off of the internet. Everyone knows all funding sources have dried up on the net. “No one wants to spend a dime on this fucking albatross” stated Piere Wibbltou of the French Snob Authority (the governing internet agency for all French speaking countries). “Even our French women, who are famous for oral activity, can’t put out any decent porn to generate any income. They all are now chewing tobacco and popping pills, instead of having blow jobs taped for internet porn distribution. That’s sad”, cried Wibbltou, as he took a big handful of Mail Pouch and filled his cheeks.

Senator Jesse Defibrillator, senior US Senator from the state of North Carolina told the Washington media “The internet is obsolete. The millions of dollars that are wasted on the infrastructure of that bull shit thing could be used to start up two or three new tobacco conglomerates in my state. I’ve been smoking for 79 years and look at me- I don’t need no internet!” It should be noted for the record that Senator Defibrillator was elected to the senate before the first radio broadcast.

Media Distribution Services, one of the largest internet advertisers, recently announced it was bankrupt and going out of business. A MDS spokesperson said the company had lost over a billion dollars, squandered on ineffective advertising on now defunct search engines, failed illegal music distribution sites, and bogus illegitimate auction houses and booksellers. “We couldn’t make any money on anything- not even the estimated 68.5 million hard core porno sites on the web”, stated the anonymous MDS spokesperson.

Hard core alky Rambo Sambo complained about the commercial value of the internet. “Shit, I can’t even get my booze over the internet. What good is it? State laws prohibit buying and selling booze on this thing. I got to go to the liquor store every day. If the net had any real value, I’d be able to have my booze delivered daily”.

Social scientist are worried about what might happen when the internet is officially decommissioned. It is rumored a lot of people, young and old alike, will start chewing tobacco. Drug manufacturers, who have not made any real money on internet advertising, have started gearing up production of mind altering drugs. And the breweries, distilleries and wine producers are likewise producing at record levels in anticipation of the end of the world wide web.

So, the internet is as dead as your old 8 track tape player. What are you going to do at the end of this year?

4/08

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