Tired of Living?

Are you sick, lonely, depressed or incompetent? Are you older than the law allows you to be? Or, are you just tired of living? If any of these scenarios fit your situation, or you have some other motivation for leaving this earthly environment, we have the answer for you.

Today we are announcing to the general public the newest wave of legal assisted death facilitators- Final Termination, Inc. What is Final Termination, Inc.? It is your ticket to legally eliminating yourself from this mundane world. You pay us $10,000 (cash only accepted) and we arrange for your death. It’s that simple. You can even choose how we eliminate you. (Certain limitations exist and the $10,000 fee does not include burial and funeral, if necessary).

What Final Termination, Inc. can give you in return for your small $10,000 payment is your final grand exit from life on this planet as we know it. You choose how you will go. One recent happy client, Dr Hetti Yokozuki, formerly of Yokohama, Japan, wanted to die a terrible and painful death. So we allowed him to be eaten alive, in a giant see-through fish tank filled with 5,000 hungry piranha fish in the middle of Times Square in NYC. Dr. Yokozuki was eliminated quickly, efficiently and no burial was necessary as there was nothing to bury. Plus his horrible existence here satisfied a lot of hungry fish.

Another innovative unhappy camper, Zee Hyperion, formerly of Helsinki, Finland, had terminal cancer at a comparatively young age. He wanted the whole community to witness his final hurrah here, so we arranged for him to be crushed by a giant steam roller right in the middle of his main street at the town parade on Finish Independence Day. His crushed remains were then ground up into pellets for the town pigeons to eat. Again- his wish came true, and nothing went to waste- no burial necessary!

What do you want? Be creative. How about being dropped right in the center of an active volcano? Or, would you prefer two cinder blocks tied permanently to your feet and a quick drop right in the middle of the Pacific Ocean? How about a firing squad of teenage punks in the center city? One man wanted to be “buried alive” so we arranged for him to be covered over permanently in a ton of fresh cement at a construction project in Milwaukee. They’ll find him in a couple hundred years, most likely.

Final Termination, Inc. is a legal assisted death conglomerate licensed in 49 of 50 states (Texas reserves the right to kill all of it’s citizens itself). The company has already assisted over 77 people, across the globe, to leave this world. Don’t you want to be next?

Just send $10,000 cash and describe how you would like to be legally eliminated, and we will take care of all the details. Don’t live with pain, sickness, depression or incompetence any more. End it all now. You’ll be happy you did!

4/08

satire-by-sroka is a division of the Dan Sroka Humor Network. If you would like to be notified whenever new writings are added to any of these sites send a BLANK email message to this address: satire-by-sroka-subscribe@yahoogroups.com

Network Endorsements and Shopping. The Dan Sroka Humor Network is a totally free, non-revenue producing entity. Please patronize and shop with our partners and help keep America's Leading INDEPENDENT Adult Humor Network free
Endorsements/Shopping