Wino Festival Turns Sour

The 14th annual Wino Festival at Brandon, Manitoba, ended abruptly last night when the Royal Canadian Mounted Gestapo moved in to prevent a potential riot. The gala festival, which has been attracting winos, boozehounds and alcoholics for more than a decade from as far away as Mexico, ended before anyone had an opportunity to “tie one on”.

The boozers split Brandon quicker than they would have if they had drunk the last drop of rot gut wine. A man known as Heroinballs, a regular at every Brandon Wino Festival since it’s inception told us, “Fuck this! If you ain’t drinking or snorting or popping pills- I’m out of here! They got some good crack over there in that Saskatchewan thing. Besides, I’m tired of flies as big as the palm of my hand. No wine- adios!”

The problem this year at the normally peaceful wino drunkfest is that religious freaks from Florida and Texas heard of the Brandon affair and drove up north to protest the decadence. Religious freak organizer and protest leader Rabbi Emanuel Berkovitz put it bluntly, “We don’t accept or advocate heavy drinking. A bottle or two a day of strong port wine is ok, in the privacy of your own home. But to get plastered in public- even if it is in a backward place like Canada- well- it’s unacceptable. The drunkards are drinking way too much. If they continue with this and someone doesn’t step in to remedy this abuse, there would be no wine for the rest of us normal folks to drink! Do you have any saloons in this wasteland?”

The cops got word of the pending crisis and moved in to stop the drunkfest before any altercations could result between the thousands of winos who gathered and their religious crackpot rivals. Two trailer truckloads of Tiger Rose, Tingle Pink, Pluck and King Solomon fortified wines were confiscated by the Gestapo cops and were routed to police headquarters in Winnipeg. There was a subsequent report of a lot of drunk police on duty later that evening.

Many die-hard alcoholics and street-bum wino types were very pissed off with all of this. Rambo Sambo, a heavy boozer for more than 50 years told us- “This is the last straw. I’ll never come back to this hellhole. The only thing these idiots got here is cheap wine. This is the good stuff--pink elephant material. Now, you can’t even get that. The cops and the religious freaks sucked it all up. I’m out of here. I’m hitch hiking back to Ohio where I can get a bottle of Wild Irish Rose for $1.79 at the Sandusky Discount Liquor Warehouse. I’m gonna write the Queen of England about THIS!”

Rambo Sambo was found drunk on Superior Ave in Winnipeg later that evening. He was arrested for public intoxication and deported to North Dakota.

Rabbi Emanuel Berkovitz and his religious freaks were later seen in the police headquarters in Winnipeg. “I like it up here” he told us. “I think we’ll be coming up here every year. It’s nice up here in Canada.”

2/08

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