Controversial Study Shakes Up the Medical Community

Antwerp, Belgium. A clinical trial study that is due to be released to the public tomorrow in the journal Dementia Cabeza Loco has the world medical authorities reeling. The study is liable to change everything you thought you knew and understood about good health practices.

Conducted over a six year period ending last year, by esteemed clinician and Psychiatrist Dr. Ezzard Scrotumballs, the 600 page report proposes drastically different guidelines than those conventionally held to achieve a healthy lifestyle.

For example, tomorrows Dementia Cabeza Loco journal will recommend a diet high in saturated fat, LDL cholesterol, sodium and drinking alcohol excessively. Additionally, the controversial study advises that anyone who currently does not use tobacco products in one form or another begin to do so immediately, in massive quantities. And, most tainted of all- Dr. Ezzard Scrotumballs informs us that it is mandatory to use large, near lethal doses of hard drugs including the classics like heroin, opium and cocaine.

Dr. Scrotumballs, recognized across the globe for his esteemed work in the psychiatric and medical arenas, would not be interviewed regarding tomorrows journal release. Through an unnamed spokesperson, the following news release was issued from his Antwerp laboratory basement: “The alcohol, tobacco, drug and meat industries had nothing to do with the results achieved in this study nor did we receive any stipends, funds, or other financial support from any of these factions”.

Some of the items that are suggested as normal recommended life style guidelines include:

Drinking a quart of fortified wine (19% alcohol or more) daily (2 quarts daily for men over 125 lbs.)
Eating greasy fat fried foods, especially fatty beef, 4 times daily (one pound of meat per meal)
Using coconut oil- drink at least a quart minimum daily, especially at breakfast
Extreme overcooking (burnt to a crisp) or extreme undercooking (nearly raw) of your fatty meats: beef, pork, lamb, etc. Always eat in excess and until you feel like you can’t breathe anymore
Popping pills, snorting coke, sniffing glue, mainlining morphine, shooting up crack... anything that gets you high
Smoking, chewing, snorting, or eating ANYTHING tobacco
Consumption of everything and anything in excess and under very stressful situations
Never exercise- period
Always try to stay “clogged up”. Hold your shit in until you feel it’s harder than a rock. Let you bladder fill until you think your going to bust open
Avoid drinking water at all costs. Heavy, large doses of alcohol are much more satisfying
Always use massive quantities of salt on your food and eat lots of processed meats high in sodium and fat
Never check your blood pressure- it could scare you
Never visit your doctor- he could scare you

The six year clinical study was conducted by Scrotumballs and his associates and has a possible error ratio of 100 to 1000%. You can receive the entire 600 page report for $179 in tomorrows Dementia Cabeza Loco.

4/08

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