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Trouble in Austin

Austin, TX The nation is in limbo over the outcome of the presidential election. Who will win? Will the democracy survive? Will we find an amiable and swift solution to the stalemate/quagmire? Will the enemies and foes of America utilize this situation strategically to gain advantage over American imperialism and world domination? This story will address none of that! What it will address, however, is the trouble down in the hellhole capital.

First off, the Texas authorities closed down the immensely popular night spot, the Hotel Chateau Crackhouse, in preparation for coronation of a new King. The crackhouse, which was a haven for drug addicts, alcoholics and other low-life scum, had become the hip spot to do your nightly mainline. Heroin, opium, crack, blunts, booze. Whatever your thing was- oddballs and drug addicts from around Texas and the south met nightly to get their rocks off. But it’s all now gone and the dopers are fit to be tied!

Drug addict human waste Heroinballs said it all: “I’m a no-good worthless mother fucker. I’d as soon take your life as spit in your fucking face. But, I’ve got my rights! I’ve got a concealed pistol here. I might just pull it out and kill you- and it would be your fault! I didn’t get enough crack and morphine today, cause they closed the hotel down, and it’s your fault! You violated my rights. For that, I’m going to kill you”.

Other Texas scum bags are as equally disturbed. The Texas fatboys, famous for consumption of another fashion, are on a related tirade. “Our brothers in Austin ain’t gettin what they need”, slobbered out Hakio Hardturd, between fried chickens. As a result, “we fatboys are on a sympathy strike. We all took binding agents and are eating at twice our normal pace. It will result in a monumental mess when it explodes. You are gonna pay for closing down that crackhouse”. Hardturd ended his jabbering, returning to his 8th fried chicken.

NASA spokesperson Richard (Wild Irish) Rose likewise sympathized with the unfortunate Austin duds. “Aliens in Texas, fucking unbearable heat year around, bogus-rigged elections, constant floods, continuous droughts, wetbacks everywhere- what more can you expect these poor individuals to endure? No wonder they are all cracked/doped up! I say let the people have their fun- reopen the Hotel Chateau Crackhouse now!”

The problems in Austin have become known in foreign places as well. Quebec gayboy President Baluga H Cornhole, who himself lost a bid at the nomination for the US Presidency, and who has spent an inordinate amount of time in Austin, for some unclear reason, stated “If I was in control down there, I’d open up the crackhouse and a few more. New bordellos would be built and everyone, fat or not, would get free access to the wetback whores. It’s free drugs, free booze and free sex for all!”

Supreme leader, Chancellor for Life Fuhrer Braunsweiger Helmut III spoke from the Bamberg Bordello Number 34 between shack ups. “We bundesbordello beefcakes know how to live. Lots of fatty foods like knockwerst, fried chicken and dumplings. Plenty of fortified beer and snaps. A nose full of coke and a lot of street sluts to keep you regular”. The Fuhrer caught his breath, and continued: “I’d give them Texas slobs all the drugs they want- they ain’t no fucking good anyway!” stated Helmut III, before he hit a liter mug of Wurzeberger Brau and passed out in a drunken stupor.

So, the oddballs of Austin are all pissed off and agitated. They don’t care about the outcome of the Presidential election. The Austin oddballs just want their crackhouse reopened, their drug supply flowing, their booze and lots of whores to fuck. Who gives a shit about the election? Not the crackheads and druggies in Austin.

7/08

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