Man Claims He Had an Affair with Lara Croft

Houston, Texas A local man is spreading around a rather unbelievable story. Richard (Wild Irish) Rose , an official at NASA Headquarters here in Houston, has told all his bar buddies and associates he shacked up with the famous Tomb Raider Lara Croft. His story has become so wide spread we sent a reporter out to get the scoop from Mr. Rose.

Rose, a full time file clerk currently on probation told reporter Alena Ivanovna of the alleged affair: "Yeah, it was about three weeks back. I had been drinking all day on the job and I went home after work and fell asleep exhausted. I woke up a few hours later, hit a bag of Testor's glue and decided to go out to the local pub-the one on Hirsch Street. Never been in there before. I sat down at the bar and had a few quarts of malt liquor and a swig of wine and a lovely walked in. I saw those army boots and it reminded me of Fort Bragg. I started talking to her and I bought her a drink. She's a lush."

After a couple hard swigs Rose continued "Anyway, I liked the way the girl looked and she seemed intelligent, but then, who am I to judge? She seemed to like the things I like...booze, quick fixes, Eddie Murphy, guns, money and sex. So I asked her if she wanted to go back to my place and she agreed. We got a case of cheap wine and headed back to my dump. From there it was all magical."

"She told me who she was and I told her I was not interested in any of that but that I wanted to get in those short pants she had on so she took them off and I tried to put them on but I was way to large for that. So I thought maybe I could get in the army boots.. she got big feet for a girl her size. That did not work either. So we drank some wine and played Matchbox 20 and you know how one thing leads to another and well before the night got old we were in bed and that was a trip and a half. We sniffed a little glue, drank the rest of the wine and rocked out to all 13 cuts of "Ray of Light". She really got off on that title cut. She said it's like being in another dimension.. kind of like sex."

Rose told Alena "Anyway, we shacked up all night long. That girl is a sex machine. I'm wondering if she is a real human? I ain't never had no woman like that before."

Our reporter challenged the reality of Rose's alleged interaction. "What proof can you offer to justify your assertions?" Rose seemed a little agitated that our reporter did not accept his story at face value and he hastily pulled out a pair of denim shorts that he claimed were a souvenir of his interaction with the famous raider. Alena inquired "What did she wear when she left your apartment?" and Rose seemed stumped and befuddled and started sweating profusely and asked Ivanovna to leave, abruptly.

No one could reach Lara to see what her take on this alleged affair is. Reporters note: Mr. Rose appeared to be under the influence of alcohol and perhaps some other stimulant during the interview.

Millhunks Rally for Revitalization of the Steel Industry

Windsor, Ontario. Thousands of former steel workers rallied for labor, prosperity, solidarity and a return to the way things were in the past at a union sponsored pep-rally, hoedown and parade. Over 1,500 unemployed welfare-receiving bums/slobs attended the affair and marched down Sandwich Street to the Canadian Steel Company where they started a big bonfire in protest of the unfair way the world economy is treating their lot.

Millhunks from all over Canada, Michigan, and as far away as Ohio attended the "Rustarama Reunion", a vain attempt to recoup the glory of the 50's, 60's and 70's when the steel making industry was in all of its ever polluting glory. The former steel-making dumbbells, most of whom have been unemployed for over 20 years, were in their glory remembering "the way we were". The United Brotherhood of Proletariat Manual Workmen passed out free pork hot dogs and haluski noodle casserole to the unemployed dreamers and signed up 13 enlistees out of the crowd of 1,500.

One unemployed former millhunk marcher, who refused to identify himself for fear of losing his welfare benefits, told us, "the steel mills are coming back! This Kosovo war thing has created a big demand for steel. I've heard they still use steel beer cans over there. We can get these old mills and rusted out coke facilities functional in no time. I won't personally go back cause I'm getting welfare but I know plenty of the young who would be glad to breathe that pollution like I did for 18 years."

The organizer and funder of the Rustarama Reunion, union president and world's highest paid union administrator Baluga H Cornhole was scheduled to lead the reunion. He did not show up at the rally however and his spokesperson, Chieftain Hakio Hardturd told us that Mr. Cornhole (was right across the river) in Detroit. "Mr. Cornhole unfortunately lost his visa and passport and could not cross the border. Baluga H Cornhole will be at the Rustarama Reunion II, for sure!"

Police Arrest Pharmacist For Illegally Dispensing Drugs and Abuse of A Corpse

London, England. The owner of the Chelsea Drugstore has been busted for illegal distribution of prescription drugs. When police raided his establishment, they found a dead man in his drugstore. Ollie Mason, Pharmacist and owner of the infamous establishment the Rolling Stones sang about 30 years ago, now faces very serious criminal charges- unlawfully storing a human corpse. Mason, who claims the body was in the pharmacy three years ago when he bought it, says he has nothing to do with " Mr. Jimmy" (the dead man), other than the fact "he was in here when I bought this dump! As far as dispensing drugs illegally- that goes against my very constitution. I maintain impeccable ethical and clinical standards."

Cops indicate they have it on good authority that Mason was giving out drugs like candy. We have scores of people who have come forth, from kindergarten children to old drunken wretches , all claiming that Mason gave them hard drugs for free.

"He's delusional", offered Alfonso Crowbar, a regular at the Chelsea Drugstore. "He changed my prescription for Rogaine to pure opium. Now I'm addicted. Who else would harbor a dead man in their establishment?"

Mason is locked up in the Carnaby Street Jail until he can post bond and the corpse, "Mr. Jimmy" will be shipped to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in Cleveland, USA, where it will be kept in a formaldehyde filled tank in the Rolling Stone's Relic Section.