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Millionaire Buys Chinese Dildo Factory
A white knight has come forth to save relations
between the United States and China. Millionaire Union mogul Baluga H
Cornhole has announced he will buy the Peoples
Hard-doink Silicone Commune of Pingliang , one of the leading
producers of dildos and vibrators in the entire world. Baluga will pay
between $10.5 and $11 million US dollars for the plant.
The procurement of the plant, which employs over 2,000 unskilled Chinese
peasants, is viewed by some as a thinly veiled attempt to smooth over
strained political relationships between the US government and the
Chinese. Relations have deteriorated after the US arrogantly bombed the
Chinese embassy in Kosovo.
Cornhole rejected any political motivations associated with his purchase.
“This is a sound business investment!. There is an unsatiable market
for dildos of all sorts... electric, bendable, double sided, nuclear
powered, you name it, there is a demand for it. Everybody wants vibrators-
girls, guys, straights, gays. I plan on making a lot of money off of this
project.”
Employees of the Peoples Hard-doink Silicone Commune of Pingliang have been informed of the American takeover and that they will all receive a
healthy pay increase. The average salary of 30 cent per week will increase
immediately to 40 cents and the working hours will decrease from 80 hours
to 79.5 hours per week.
The Peoples Hard-doink Silicone Commune of Pingliang produces 500,000
sexual toys weekly, most of which are shipped to Britain, Sweden and
Germany. Cornhole stated “we will expand the market base to include the United States, Canada and Mexico. Those Mexican’s like them foot
long electric prods and I’m getting a whole department organized in
Pingliang just to turn out high voltage products. That will knock their
socks off and burn up some flesh, as well.”
Baluga H Cornhole further announced he will be
coming out with his own line of sex toys which will likewise be produced
by Peoples Hard-doink Silicone Commune of Pingliang. “My products, to
be marketed under the Cornhole Reamer brand name, will be the top
of the line. I have one that will give out a 2500 volt charge whenever it
senses any moaning. I will be using that on myself, for sure!”
Chinese Astronauts Discover Life on Mars!
Beijing, China The China Space Agency dropped
another bomb on the world scientific community today by announcing that
the 30 unnamed Chinese astronauts that landed on Mars
two months ago have confirmed alien life on the red planet. CSA
spokesperson Jing Jang Jong announced the startling news at a press
conference at the Peoples Hall of Bullshit-Hogwash and Malarkey
that was attended by no less than 2.2 million Chinese reporters and 3
foreign correspondents.
Jong took several deep breaths and began the historical announcement with
the statement, “No one died!”. After several near
hyperventilations, Jing Jang Jong labored on “The crew of the
Peoples Mobile Hard-dildo Projectile Ramen-noodle Express Flight to
Valles Marineris has confirmed life on Mars. 25 of the 30 unnamed
astronauts-scientists have verified that.” “What kind of life is
it?” slobbered out one reporter from the Chengdu Peoples Daily
Propaganda Post and Soft Porn Reporter, to which Jing Jang Jong tersely
responded “Alien”.
Jong refused to give any further details, stopping the news conference
before any further inquiring or insightful questions might be thrown in
his direction. Reporters stranded in the Peoples Hall of Bullshit-Hogwash
and Malarkey did indicate they witnessed an ambulance speeding away from
the facility soon after Jong abruptly left the podium but it is not known
if it was he (Jong) who was in the ambulance.
An American spokesperson from NASA, Richard (Wild
Irish) Rose was cornered by members of the esteemed Houston news
media in a honky tonk bar. Rose had the following response:
“I’m pretty drunk right at the moment.” Our star reporter
Alena Ivanovna , who has had several run ins with
Mr. Rose, cornered Rose with a pistol and forced him to spill it all.
Shaking like a leaf, Rose spilled out his guts-
“Honest Alena, I’m pretty drunk. I had 2 quarts of wine at home
and something like 30 beers here. I don’t know who I am, let alone anything about some damn life on Mars, or was it Jupiter? Just leave me
alone and stop hounding me. I just want to have a peaceful evening with my
thoughts. Go away please”.
No further details are known at this moment but return to the Unpublished Proceedings for more details
on this subject, as they become available.
Doctor Develops Paradigm for the Fourth Dimension
Antwerp, Belgium Esteemed Psychiatrist Dr. Ezzard
Scrotumballs, famous for his renowned and trend setting work in the field
of human deviant response patterns, clinical etiology of oral sexual acts,
the developmental theory of degenerative antisocial subculture norms and
many other innovative and controversial theories, has offered his most exotic proposal to date- the speculative basis for the confirmation of the
fourth dimension.
Dr. Scrotumballs thesis, a 5,200 page single spaced theorem, with a
separate 2,500 page justification/support manuscript, was verbally
presented to the honored members of the Rabbi Emanuel
Berkovitz Clinic for Mental Disorders in Antwerp, in a non-stop three day symposium. Scrotumballs lectured the attendees without as much as one
single break during the three day affair. Dr. Scrotumballs is famous for
always carrying a portable shitpot/urinal with him and it was put to good
use during this windbagfest.
His theory, far too complicated to go into explicit detail in this medium,
is based upon the analogy of hardware and software. Put simply, for us
ignorant common folk to understand , Scrotumballs is postulating that
the body is the “hardware” and the mind-soul-spirit of mankind
is the “software”. As with a computer, it (hardware) can do
nothing without the software to run it. The software (mind-soul-spirit)
can function on its own, doing certain functions without access to the
hardware. In goon language , for us common folk, the body is the
hardware, and it will pass, just like your old Timex-Sinclair 32K computer
with the cheap touch-pad keyboard. But the mind-spirit-body (software)
goes on, even without the antiquated processor.
Scrotumballs gave all kinds of heavy handed clinical lingo mumbo-jumbo
support for his theory. Many esteemed researchers and theorists have
declared his latest paradigm in the same class as Darwin’s or
Einstein’s greatest achievements. Others have chastised Dr.
Scrotumballs as a cheap rip-off artist of such notable scientists as Dr.
Deepak Chopra, Dr. Carl Sagan, and Dr. Stephen Hawkings.
We attempted to interview Dr. Ezzard Scrotumballs outside the Rabbi Emanuel BerkovitzClinic for Mental Disorders, but when he sat down on his portable shitpot/urinal and began a long winded discourse/lecture
right in the middle of Ebberstrassen we had to cut the interview off. The
odor was pretty bad too.
Notice: Dr. Scrotumballs subsequently passed into the fourth dimension. Read about
his unbelievable and tragic experience as published by the DDNS Digital Diarrhea News Service
Copyright © Dan Sroka, 5/15/99, 
2/08
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