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Dan Sroka's Unpublished Proceedings

Former Prez Comes Clean

We all admire someone who has the courage to admit they made mistakes. Someone who can acknowledge the error of their ways and who is making an attempt to rectify and atone. One former US President has done just that.

Deep down in the southland rumors had been spread around. That guy (who shall remain anonymous for purposes of this story) led a healthy upright and righteous lifestyle. Oh sure, he had a few problems. Don’t you have some? They said the only bad trait of this political big wig was the fact that he couldn’t stand eating a certain vegetable. Well, he’s come clean- and here’s the scoop.

“ I was addicted to broccoli for more than two decades” stated President Anonymous. “I’d eat broccoli for breakfast, lunch, dinner and on many occasions as a midnight snack. Cooked, raw, blanched, steamed, fried. Any way you can imagine- I ate it! One incident, which might have been the darkest moment of my life, happened when I had Gorby over. It’s a known fact he don’t eat broccoli. So I ate his portion as well as mine and B---’s too! God I was full. I don’t ever want to go back to that desperate condition again.”

“I tried fighting it and I tried hiding it. My advisers told me to use the reverse psychology business. Tell them you hate broccoli. That would defray attention. But it just kept getting worse and after I left the White House I was, well, frankly very desperate.”

“Then, suddenly and unexpectedly, after a giant bowl of hunan tofu- I collapsed in an allergic coma. I was rushed, in my unconscious state, to the emergency room. The doctors were able to revive me, but I was told I could never again eat broccoli or I’d go into anaphylactic shock and die! That wouldn't be prudent. So my broccoli days are over”.

President Anonymous admitted it has not been easy. “Periodically I’ll get a craving and when I do I might devour a whole head of cauliflower. That seems to satisfy. Now, those rumors about me being a closet Otis Redding and Wilson Pickett* fan- there is NO validity to that whatsoever!”

Mr. Pitiful Emerges From a Wisconsin Lake

Madison, Wisc. Thirty two years after he died in a tragic plane accident soul singer Otis Redding walked up out of the clear Lake Monona waters a new revived man. Local townsfolk were stunned and flabbergasted but at the same time rejoiced in the return of (arguably) the greatest soul/rhythm and blues singer of all time.

“Mr. Pitiful” as he was affectionately know to his legions of fans, appeared a little waterlogged and he stuttered a little more than he did three decades back. Other than that, Otis was remarkably well preserved. “As he dried himself off with a large crying towel which just happened to be handy on the scene, Otis told onlookers what it was like to be dead and why he came back now.

“You know what they say... ‘You Don’t Miss Your Water until your Well Runs Dry’... well, I’d had enough of water. So I decided the time was right to come back and finish up where I left off in the sixties. I’d been watching closely how things have been going- and although you got some quality soulful acts like Collective Soul- we got to get back on the right track. All these ladies are dominating everything in music today... not that I mind, mind you. God.. Alanis , Natalie, Madonna, Mariah, Sarah, Lauren, Jewel, the Corrs ... it’s all women. In my time it was Aretha and all the boys and that was it. I’m back to balance things out and get things on more equitable terms.”

What’s it like to be dead? Otis responded “there are a lot of good people that are dead. I had a good time with Sam and Jackie. They’ll be coming over to this side soon, too. You know what Sam said about A Change is Gonna Come.

A man present asked Mr. Pitiful if he was going to Detroit. Otis responded “Yes sir- to catch the next flight to Memphis”.

Former Prez Acknowledges He’s a Big Otis Fan

Memphis, Tenn. Suddenly everyone is a fan of reborn soul singer Mr. Pitiful (Otis Redding). Even those that denied they ever liked soul music, such as one former President of the United States, are riding high on the soul mans reincarnation.

President Anonymous was interviewed at a restaurant in back of the old Memphis Stax/Volt Recording Studio. “I’ve been a fan of soul music, or more prudently, rhythm and blues, as it was once called, for decades. Man, I had all the LPs and 45s. Wilson Pickett, Eddie Floyd, Bobby Womack, Booker T., Jr. Walker, Aretha, Carla, Sam and Dave- you name em- I was a fan of theirs! But, of them all Otis was the King”, boasted the former President as he wolfed down a big head of cauliflower and a glass of non-fat milk. “I don’t know how you could not be a fan of anyone that stutters when he sings. Gotta gotta gotta have it...gimme gimme gimme- -gimme that cauliflower. Why, one time R--, N----, Barb and I stayed up til 2 am playing our old Stax, Atlantic, Volt and ATCO LPs! It was way past The Midnight Hour, for sure. Shit... Rufus and I used to drink quarts of beer together as we baby sat Carla. Oh we couldn’t get enough. Those were the days.”

“Anyway, Otis is on his way and I’m looking forward to meeting him in person. It must have been hell to be dead for over thirty years. Pass that pepper. I wonder if he’ll do my favorite for me- his ‘Glory of Love’. Well, I’ll settle for ‘Respect’. ”

“These kids today- they don’t know what good music is. Name em- Alanis, Natalie , Madonna, Mariah, Sarah, Lauren, Jewel, the Corrs, Collective Soul, Matchbox Twenty.... it’s all the same stuff. These young people don’t know what it’s like to have some tough times. Everything's handed to them with a silver spoon. But I used to put Otis on in the basement and have a good cry weekly- that’s how it is when you’re a poor common boy from the south. We had no CD’s and no remote players. Pass that plate of vegetables. Just an old scratched up LP with a lot of teardrops stained all across it.”

“Well, I’d love to sit and chat further, but I’ve got an appointment to meet Mr. Pitiful at the airport. He doesn’t know who I am since he died over three decades ago, but I’m sure there is a lot we have in common and could share with each other. I packed my crying towel- so I’m ready. I hope he likes cauliflower.”

* One of the greatest soul/Rhythm and Blues singers of all time, Wilson Pickett, died on Jan. 19, 2006. I did not know Wilson personally, but I grew up with, and I still love his music. Mr. Pickett was a living legend, and he will be missed beyond belief. But his soulful music will live on forever. Thank you, Wicked Pickett. I will never forget you for as long as I live! Your thrilling, exciting soulful voice ignited a musical revolution and has been enjoyed by millions across the globe for decades. You are now with other greats like Sam Cooke, Otis Redding, Jackie Wilson and so many others. Thank you and God Bless you, Wicked Pickett.
Dan Sroka, January 2006

2/08

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