Dan Sroka's Unpublished Proceedings Vol. 14

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Dan Sroka's Unpublished Proceedings

Captain LDL Wins WWO Heavyweight Title

Newark, NJ History was made last night before a standing room only crowd of 31,250 people at the Southside Slum Metroplex Arena. “Captain LDL”, a 67 year old, 349 lb. professional wrestler, defeated “Big Brutal Murderer Hitman Hangman”, long time WWO heavyweight champion, by pinning the 7 foot one inch, 425 lb. monstrosity after a grueling 37 second match.

The rabid crowd of perverts, covert-homo’s, drug addicts, mental midgets, overweight kielbassa-eating human washing machines and imbecile teenage punks went berserk in the surprise victory by the 750-to-1 underdog Captain LDL. The Captain (full name- Captain Low Density Lipoprotein Cholesterol Hydrogenated Plaque ), won the World Wrestling Organization title on this, his 1,759th shot at the crown. Captain LDL, one of the more popular professional wrestlers in the world today, indicated he hoped to wrestle in the WWO for another 30 years or more.

Fans proceeded to demolish the Southside Slum Metroplex Arena as the new champion was presented the WWO Heavyweight Championship belt by former 37 time WWO Champion and WWO Commissioner “ Beefcake Lardo E.coli ”. LDL cried tears of joy in front of the legions of fans in attendance as well as the 1.6 million more who paid $79.20 PPV to watch the 67 year old LDL bring his professional wrestling record up to a respectable 21 wins, 2,814 losses, 36 draws and 1,003 forfeits.

“I’ve been in the squared circle for 51 years now. I’ve fought for the coveted WWO heavyweight title over 1500 times since 1949. I’ve been dreaming of this since Big BoBo packed my shute with his 14 incher back in the dressing room of the old Madison Sq. Garden in 47! From that moment on, I knew I belonged in the squared circle . Furthermore, I’m smart enough to know that if you hang around long enough in this business, you’ll win the heavyweight title, even if you only weigh 100 lbs or less.”

WWO owner, President, and semi-professional ham Salvitore Saliva III grabbed the microphone, to the boos of thousands in the nearly wrecked arena, and challenged Captain Low Density Lipoprotein Cholesterol Hydrogenated Plaque to an “on the spot” title match.. right here.. right now. The cool calm demeanor of LDL prevailed however. Captain LDL stood in the middle of the squared circle, waving his newly won WWO belt proudly overhead, with his Santa style boot perched on the chest of the still unconscious, demoralized, and humiliated former WWO champion Big Brutal Murderer Hitman Hangman. The 30,000 plus imbeciles in attendance roared in approval and LDL grabbed the microphone right out of Saliva’s hand and began a foul-mouthed tirade that we cannot print even one word of in this family oriented publication. LDL basically told Saliva that he not only was going to pack his shute with his Santa boots but that he would beat him fair and square, right here at the Southside Slum Metroplex Arena, next Friday night in the best two out of three steel-cage matches. The clincher is that the loser must strip naked, in the cage, after being defeated, or be banned from the WWO for life! Foaming at the mouth, threatening with clenched fists exposed, and sweating profusely, owner Salvitore Saliva III accepted the “LDL flush” proposal. But, Saliva had the last word as he grabbed the microphone back from the 349 lb. geezer behemoth. He announced, to the drowning boos of the rabid crowd of perverts, covert-homo’s, drug addicts, mental midgets, overweight kielbassa-eating-human-washing machines and imbecile teenage punks, “AND, the surprise referee, for the steel cage Best of three LDL Flush Match will be none other than former champion [ and known Saliva crony ] Big Brutal Murderer Hitman Hangman.” That announcement sent newly crowned WWO Heavyweight Champion Captain Low Density Lipoprotein Cholesterol Hydrogenated Plaque cowering, as lard and sweat poured down into his now soggy Santa style boots.

The lights slowly faded out in the jam packed Southside Slum Metroplex Arena to the hysterical/fanatical laughing of WWO owner, President, and semi-professional ham Salvitore Saliva III. The crowd of ignoramus imbeciles shouted down the loud-speaker piped in laughter with the chant “LDL, LDL, LDL”........

Vicious Teen Breaks Out of Jail

Chicago, IL Cook County Police are on high alert. One of their more violent criminals broke out of the mens’ section of the Cook County Jail last night and the entire city/county is in a nervous frenzy as a result.

Senorita Stimclit, a luscious 19 year old sexpot and former stripper took advantage of an unsuspecting guard at the lockup, enabling her escape. Dufus Earwax, the guard on duty at the time of her escape, has been fired. Earwax, a 13 year employee, told our award winning reporter Alena Ivanovna, “She tricked me. She told me she’d strip down to her 6 inch high heels and let me do what I wanted with her but then she grabbed my handcuffs and locked me to the bars. The slutty teen then grabbed my keys and ran out of the jail naked, with only her platform bedroom slippers on! She cooked my ass, and I didn’t even get one good shot at her. Now, I can’t even collect unemployment.”

Stimclit, described as a dangerous but lovely 19 year old babe (34-20-33), is 5 foot, 3 inches (without her high heels on), and tips the scales at a full 109 lbs. Police reported she was last seen running down Michigan Ave. naked, with nothing but high heels on.

Alena Ivanovna reiterated that this teen is a very dangerous young lady. “ She cut up some innocent men before, and the police know she is capable of doing it again. Don’t let her good looks and sexpot body fool you. She’ll take you down before you even get any where near the “stim clit” phase”.

Cook County cops stated she was running south on Michigan Ave., if any bounty hunters are interested in pursuing this dangerous tart. No reward is offered, other than the thrill and danger of the chase itself.

Vicious Geezer Breaks Out of Jail

Helsinki, Finland. Lapland Cops have a real predicament on their hands. A notorious old haggard slut accused of rape just a few months back has escaped from the Helsinki Cold Retainer Jail #34 and it is feared she will reap a path of sexual chaos like that which initially caused her imprisonment.

89 year old jailbird, spinster and geezer-slut Aloysha Paquette managed to roughhouse her way out of the Cold Retainer lockup. She manhandled 3 seasoned burly jail guards and gained her freedom. Our esteemed-world famous reporter Alena Ivanovna takes up the story from there: “The old bitch gave guard Zee Hyperion a concussion when she caught him with a vicious devastating uppercut. She then single handedly floored Dufu Boggins and Willdo Sven Dilldo with a right cross and a roundhouse kick to the balls. All three jail guards were fired from their positions and all three are in the Helsinki Cold Doink Southside Infirmary.”

Alena Ivanovna continued- “ geezer-slut Aloysha Paquette then stole a police vehicle and reportedly drove directly to the Bothnia Lapland High School (where she had been previously arrested for rape, sodomy, etc.) and went on a one woman rampage. Male Bothnia Lapland H.S. students indicated the old bitch forced them to perform perverted sexual acts endlessly on her. One student, Maxim Litovsk, 15, stated Aloysha Paquette made him have oral sex with her for over one hour straight.” The youngster told Ivanovna “I couldn’t take any more. I passed out, exhausted.”

Somehow, after her rampage, Aloysha Paquette managed to elude Police. She was last seen headed in the direction of the Jern Forjd Boys Grade school. Police spokesperson Bjorn Korjd stated “Aloysha Paquette must be stopped. We will have our pistols drawn. It’s a life or death situation now!”

2/08

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