America's leading INDEPENDENT adult humor network/content provider
Dan Sroka's Humor Network banner

Dan Sroka's Unpublished Proceedings

NASA Reveals Startling Evidence of Alien Being

Houston, TX. It’s official- aliens are here! That’s the shocking and startling revelation from the North American Space Agency (NASA). Spokesperson Richard (Wild Irish) Rose made the announcement at NASA headquarters moments ago before the largest crowd of news media reporters and journalists ever to gather in the state of Texas. An estimated 30,500 media moguls were there. Unpublished Proceedings star reporter Alena Ivanovna was in the front row, and she filed the following report.

The conference started with Rose seated at the table, a half empty four gallon jug of Richard’s Wild Irish Rose wine and a small brown paper lunch bag, that was wet on the bottom, at his side. Rose gave his usual salute. “Fellow Americans, illegal Mexican wetbacks, and people of the Earth, I’m here to rock your fucking world! We’ve known there were aliens on this planet for years and now, it’s my duty and honor to inform you of this fact and prove to you, with hard evidence, that we are not alone.”

Reporters stirred as Rose moved a big cardboard box to the table, poured another big glass of his namesake and took a couple hits from the brown bag. “Ohhhh, that was good! Anyway, this is the first confirmed evidence that alien beings are here. I found it myself, last night”. Rose removed the object from the box and exposed it on the table. Reporters cameras were flashing like a Texas thunderstorm. This alleged head had the appearance of a gray rock or other head shaped object.

The media moguls in attendance were obviously uneasy and skeptical. Rose sat at the table and poured another big glass of wine and took a few heavy deep breaths from the brown paper bag. Unpublished Proceedings reporter Ivanovna interrupted this activity inquiring, “Where was this object, this supposed alien head, uncovered?” Rose slurred out, “I found it behind the Bellfort Street Liquor-rama”. Ivanovna countered, “and what were you doing there?”. Rose responded, “I was drinking in the alleyway behind the liquor store. I saw this alien head there”.

The 30,000 plus in attendance stirred as Rose stood behind the table, picked up the gray object he contends is the first hard evidence of alien life, and raised it high overhead for all to see. Cameras were flashing and some liquid was pouring out of the object right on to Roses head.

Suddenly, Richard (Wild Irish) Rose fell to the floor behind the table, in a heap, with the object he had briefly held overhead. Paramedics rushed to the stage to revive him. He was declared stone drunk and life-flighted to the nearest detox center.

The thousands of reporters in attendance were quickly dispersed from the NASA auditorium and ordered off of NASA property.

Reporter Alena Ivanovna, who was in the front row at the news conference, told Unpublished Proceedings “Rose is a no-good fucking alcoholic. He had a big gray sponge-type object there. Of course, there are no aliens on Earth, other than the illegal immigrant aliens from Mexico”.

Ivanovna’s last statement was short and direct: “I will never again attend another NASA news conference!”

Editors Note: Unpublished Proceedings has received evidence from reliable sources that the object Richard (Wild Irish) Rose claims is an alien head is, in fact, the real thing. Two regulars from the alleyway behind the Bellfort Street Liquor-rama confirmed the head’s presence. It was discovered by Rose and his buddies among the discarded wine jugs in the alleyway dump.

Illegal Aliens Rush to Canada

Montreal, Quebec. Thousands of illegal immigrant aliens from Texas have hopped into their broken down junker cars and driven northward across the border into Canada. The reason for this mass exodus of Texas wetbacks is the report (see story above) that NASA has confirmed finding the head of an alien being in Texas.

Baluga H. Cornhole, President of the Province of Quebec, stated “We don’t want no more fucking non-French speaking ignoramuses coming up here! These fucking imbeciles do nothing but leech off of the welfare system, eat a lot of damn greasy tacos, and blow putrid farts all day and all night. I’ve asked the Prime Minister to ban these low life scumbags from entering Canada, particularly Quebec Province, and I’m personally going to take steps to deport those assholes already here back to the “ shit land ” they came from (Texas)!”

Another perspective comes from one new arrival in Quebec, 79 year old Juanita Chingatta. “I’m an old woman. I got no room for alien beings in my life. I moved to Quebec cause it’s safe here. I can go out to get my daily jug without fear. If anyone fucks with me, I’ll kill em with my assault pistol. I might not be able to kill an alien being with that, so I moved. The only thing I really miss about Texas is the Bellfort Street Liquor-rama. They don’t have any of those up here.”

Illegal aliens, also known as the Texas Fatboys and the Texas Boozeboys, are plowing into the northland at a record pace. Baluga stated “most of these fuckers can’t even speak English...forget about French. We made great strides purging our fine province of vagrants and bums recently and now we got an influx of these beasts! I will not permit this to happen. From this point on, I’m declaring burritos and tacos banned from Quebec. That will get rid of these scumbags!”

Texas Census Bureau spokesperson Edwardo Juarez Santiago confirmed the exodus. “We count 15,000 fewer illegal alien immigrants as of last Saturday”. These figures were also confirmed by the Bellfort Street Liquor-rama which reported a near debilitating cut in the sale of cheap rot gut wine and bargain basement liquor sales throughout it’s stores.

Bundesbordelloland Bans Aliens

Frankfurt. The Fuhrer has spoken! Aliens are banned from Bundesbordelloland. Period!

Fuhrer Braunschweiger Helmut III, supreme-being and self appointed Chancellor for Life, took a break from the Baunhof Knockwerst Stand nr. 77 and declared: “We will not permit aliens on our soil!”

“If I catch any aliens, be they alien beings from another planet, or illegal alien immigrants from Texas or America, I will personally have them ground up into patties for the knockworst industry. I hear there is a lot of grease in those Texas wetbacks so let ‘em try and come into Bundesbordelloland!"

The Supreme Parliament Council in Berlin got word of the Fuhrers drunken tirade statements and SPC President and Secretary Rabbi Emanuel Berkovitz denounced the Fuhrer publicly before the full Parliament Council. “The Fuhrer was drunk and full of knockworst and pork sausage when he made that stupid statement. His train was late so he sat at the nr. 77 Banhof Knockwerst Stand drinking pitchers of fortified Heiniger Bier and eating like a glutton. He was fucked up, and I apologize for that. We have no intention of banning anyone, alien or otherwise, from the great republic of Bundesbordelloland.”

Judge Prepuse P. Foreskin, legislative leader of the Bundesbordello Courts had a differing opinion. “I whole heartedly support the Fuhrers position and his statements. He’s a good man, and a sensible politician and leader. I just went out and bought a German luger pistol. I pity any aliens that come near me. I’ve always hated those ignorant slimebuckets. Show me an alien and I’ll show you a dead being with one of my bullets in their (nonexistent) brains!”

Political leaders in Texas and Canada have warned their aliens, be they alien beings or illegal aliens from Mexico.... don’t go to Bundesbordelloland!

7/08

The Unpublished Proceedings are a division of the Dan Sroka Humor Network. If you would like to be notified whenever new writings are added to any of these sites send a BLANK email message to this address: satire-by-sroka-subscribe@yahoogroups.com

Network Endorsements and Shopping. The Dan Sroka Humor Network is a totally free, non-revenue producing entity. Please patronize and shop with our partners and help keep America's Leading INDEPENDENT Adult Humor Network free
Endorsements/Shopping