Alleppey, India (INPP) "Contemporary modern man has
strayed from the path of enlightenment, Brahman, knowledge and bliss. Western culture in
particular is trapped in a Mayanic illusion that will ultimately be it's
downfall". These are the prophetic words of
Messiah Nanak Varhamana Abdul-Alibaba II as he spoke to a crowd estimated to be between 2 and 15 million gathered for the 39th International neo-Smriti Perennial
Philosophy Revival at Alleppey.
"Only through Veda can the cosmic self be experienced" Varhamana Abdul-Alibaba II told his followers, as he smoked a foot long wet-dank golden brown toby. "You are the gold in the tobacco- Viswas, Rudras, Asuras, Siddhas all gaze upon you with favor. This is the ultimate Brahman, not of the Bhagavad-Gita or of Veda, but of bliss in contemporary Divine Ground". The multitude's in attendance roared in approval, each lighting up their own foot long wet-dank cigar and the crowd of multiple millions was worked into a frenzy. A dark cloud of smoke, induced by all the burning tobacco fumes, soon covered the valley. Many saw this as a premonition of the fall of western culture as Messiah Nanak Varhamana Abdul-Alibaba II lectured for 90 minutes more and consumed unbelievable quantities of laced tobacco.
The Revival continued under the dire environmental conditions of a temperature inversion and under the decreasing cognitive abilities of Messiah Nanak Varhamana Abdul-Alibaba II who seemed to fall into a confused-drugged babbling stupor after smoking approximately 20 cigars and warning "imperialist Hunky pigs, we have a nuclear bomb and we will use it on you" and unacceptable comments such as "where's the beef?" and "lets rape those Pakistani sluts". Shaman Mahavira-juni Lao-Tze Garu-Guru at that point intervened escorting the Messiah to a cot nearby where he fell into a deep sleep.
Shaman Mahavira-juni Lao-Tze Garu-Guru continued the Revival lecturing in a more restrained fashion: "We must remember the Vedic tradition and peace of Nirvana, and that we get this here tobacco from our American friends in Virginia, North and South Carolina and Kentucky. We don't want to bomb anyone, for all is Divine Ground, in particular over there! If they cut off our tap, we'd have to deal with those chinks, and we don't want that, do we?" The crowd went bonkers as torrential thunderstorms flooded the valley and a flash flood of cosmic proportions washed away millions of innocent people. The estimated death toll from this catastrophe at the 39th International neo-Smriti Perennial Philosophy Revival is between 2 and 15 million people. Mahavira-juni Lao-Tze Garu-Guru and the comatose Nanak Varhamana Abdul-Alibaba II did survive the wrath and are at this moment planning next years 40th revival scheduled for Chandrapur.
Dead Sea The Lubavitcher-Byzantine Brethren
Emunoh Chrystotom Pagan-Parish has declared ecclesiastical war on "barbarian sun
worshiping pot heads and their quasi-heathen self-righteous sharlitan
false-god leadership". Spiritual leader of the Lubavitcher-Byzantine Brethren Emunoh Chrystotom Pagan-Parish Sect, the Ultra-Pope Sheister Slob Doughboy, pontificated to thousands who gathered to hear his holy proclamation: "We condemn these ignorant unenlightened fools. False
prophets such as Messiah Nanak Varhamana Abdul-Alibaba II and others in that misguided cult will only bring destruction to themselves and their
ignorant yes men and yes women. Thus the recent human tragedy in Alleppey,
India in which multiple millions of innocent people were senselessly
killed as a result of some drugged up charlatan pot head".
"Our policy is to convert these voodoo worshipers into solid upright God fearing servants" boasted the Ultra-Pope. "Only then can they escape the animalistic existence they have known for thousands of years. Only then will they see the true God- the true Prophet - the true Light, me " broadcasted Doughboy to the cheers of thousands of rabid radical followers of his highness. The Ultra-Popes message could hardly be heard over the roar of the masses. "I am the King". "I am everything". "Give me your shekels now", as thousands of coins were tossed in the direction of his highness.
"We will convert these 900 million lummoxes to the Lubavitcher-Byzantine
Brethren Emunoh Chrystotom Pagan-Parish. Think of all the revenue we could
get out of 900 million! That's a lot of King Solomon grape wine " belched out Doughboy, as his followers went into a crazed frenzy, most foaming at the mouth, pounding each other in fits of euphoria and spiritual delirium.
"We have been summoned to the promised land. We will rectify the sins
of Alleppey and the stupid fools that got caught up in that hogwash.
The Indian sub-continent is ours!" The crowd went berserk, in escacy, as
hundreds passed out from their own flatulence fumes, hallucinating about world conquest and dominance.
Palo Alto, CA. "I'll sue you for every penny you got"
fummed the hospitalized diva Bulldyke Gertrude after she
bottomed out on a city bench at Bryant yesterday. It seems the big 400 pound gay girl, famous in these parts for her rough house antics with both females and males, was too much for the 35 year old heavy duty reinforced park bench. Her weight and girth apparently caused this unit to collapse sending the human washing machine to the hard pavement below and, in the process, ruptured her spleen and caused hairline cracks on several vertebra.
Gertrude explained "I was simply taking a rest at Bryant, waiting for the next bus to the Queerboat Ranch , when the bench busted. I fell to the ground like a ton of bricks and my back was all tied up in knots. I couldn't move and so I yelled out "help me- help me" and I could see, off to my left a wimpy looking goon. He acted like he did not hear me, so I pulled out my pistol and fired at him, grazing his head. That got his attention and he ran over to my assistance, begging me not to kill him". I told this stooge "get me an ambulance quickly" and he snapped to it!
The wimp, who would only identify himself as 
"Casper Milk-toast Yesman"
told this reporter "Man, I was scared. That big bitch could have beat the
shit out of me or given me one of those reverse enema things, or, who
knows- killed me. I was lucky to escape with just 15 stitches in the
head. From now on, I'm staying at home where it's safe".
Bulldyke Gertrude has warned city council and the mayor "I've got a good lawyer and she knows how to kick ass. I'm on easy street now. I'll milk the city coffers for all these kooks have. I'm handicapped permanently as a result of this and the city will pay dearly".
A spokesman from the mayors office indicated that all city benches will be replaced, beginning next month, with super heavy duty solid cement, steel reinforced benches at a cost to the city tax payers of $12,000 each. As a result, city taxes will be increased .7%, retroactive to calendar year 1980, to pay for the project which, with labor included, would cost the city over $22 million.
2/08
