Dallas, TX (Wetback News Service) It was a tragic
and perhaps fitting ending to a week long "Blub Fest" held here for a group of over 1,500 lardy Texans. The annual event had a fatal ending on this, the 17th version of the festival which permits paying members to eat, drink and be merry in a festival of male obesity.
John Henry (Big Beer Belly) Sanchez died of cardiac arrest at the Blub Fest after he and his peers consumed massive quantities of food in what was to become the last supper for the 502 pound 47 year old human garbage dump. Sanchez, an unemployed illegal immigrant and long term Texas welfare recipient died on the spot when his heart ruptured after he consumed enough food to feed a small orphanage.
"That big boy was our hero", cried Buckminster Brownpants . "He could eat as much food as any one of us here. This was his tenth consecutive Blub Fest and Sanchez always said he lived for this annual opportunity to go public in his gluttony. Now, we will only have his memory. At least he went out doing what he liked most- making a pig of himself".
Brownpants, a veteran blubster of 8 pig outs himself, remembered Big Beer Belly Sanchez's final moments: "He had just downed 14 one pound burritos, 30 meat pierogies, a fried chicken and two thirds of an 8 story wedding cake when he looked a bit blue. I figured he needed a drink so I handed him a bottle of Night Train Express and he took the bottle and fell to the floor. He was dead!"
"It's shameful" stated Hakio Hardturd , another Blub Fest veteran, referring to the fact that no one even attempted to revive Fat Boy Sanchez." He was on the floor, still warm, when other Blub Fest behemoths moved right in and finished off his burritos, chicken, cake and wine". "I learned CPR back in 69 but I forgot how it works and that fried chicken was pretty good. Once you get started on it it's hard to break away, if you know what I mean, brother".
Sanchez, who had 5 wives and 13 children, had no death insurance and as a
result the blubsters tossed his big stiff ass in the Trinity River for a
convenient disposal, post "last supper".
Obituary
Judy Juventude, (a.k.a. , Midnight Gang bang, Chlamydia Oyster), 44, after a long and painful terminal battle with
full body carcinoma. Immediate cause of death- acute renal failure.
Born Jan. 2, 1955 in West Hackensack, NJ to the late Brodrick Crawford and Olga Ulyanova, survived by
a sister Inez Serrano, of French Lick, IN, an illegitimate son John WET
DANK Sanchez , and numerous cousins and distant and forgotten insignificant
others.
Judy was a graduate of the Wilmerding High School and the Betty Ford Clinic and she worked briefly in her only job as a copy clerk for the Toronto Daily Dumpster in 1974. Her career deteriorated from there, moving from city to city, state to state and across international borders running from imaginary internal demons, arrest warrants, lawsuits and a nagging itch in her groin area.
Settled into a solid career as a lady of the evening in a Bamberg bordello where she rose through the ranks to FMF (frauline most fucked) and upon reaching that pinnacle was immediately dismissed for a younger, harder working 19 year old sexpot from Mainz.
Juventude learned she had ovarian cancer that quickly spread through her entire body in 1998 and she was treated with various medications. Nothing worked for her, and she withered away to a 65 lb. human bag of bones racked with constant terminal pain that she never recovered from in her last 12 months.
She died penniless, without any death insurance. Her body will be ground up by Fred's Meat Packing Inc. and used for fertilizer in John WET DANK Sanchez's hash garden.
No funeral, no viewing. Donations may be sent to the Betty Ford Clinic in
the name of
Dr. J.J. Undercyclothyme
, world renowned psychiatric medical doctor at the Rabbi Emanuel Berkovitz Clinic for Mental Disorders in Antwerp, Belgium has
announced a joint venture with Korsakoff's Psychosis Software Limited of
Gainesville, Florida to mass produce elaborate software that can detect
bizarre cognitive disorders of computer users over the world wide web.
The patented software, currently in a beta-test version has proven 100% accurate in clinical cyber trials to date, pinpointing hundreds of psychotic individuals across the globe. Undercyclothyme explained "this software sends out an unsolicited binary crackpot cookie to all domains that automatically migrates to all ports in each and every domain on the internet. It is absolutely undetectable and cannot be traced on any platform, PC, operating system or host. It is in your computer equipment now!" "What it does", the good doctor explained, "is electronically sense bizarre cognitive thought processes emulating from the brains of computer users via a pulse-microwave digital signal within the crackpot cookie. This in turn sends an alarm back to our servers at headquarters in Gainesville and to our clinical insane asylum in Antwerp. It's foolproof and accurate and certifies (according to international standards of mental illness) that someone at that computer is unequivocally out of their fucking mind."
"We feel we have a bonified market here for this software. Everyone knows someone else that they think is crazy, mentally ill or otherwise deranged. Now, with this software, we can clinically certify an individual is mentally ill without the person ever knowing we were there, not to mention that they were under any kind of psychological observation whatsoever".
Dr. J.J. Undercyclothyme offered further "There are a lot of unstables out there! This is a way for us to monitor just who is and with the assistance of the local police authorities we can have these poor old sods committed where they can get the psychiatric help they so dearly need".
Korsakoff's Psychosis Software Limited confirmed all of the following ports were showing completely abnormal cognitive patterns as of 8 am EST this morning. "These people are in dire straits, with more than four setting off level one (fatal) alarms".
" know who you are" warned Undercyclothyme. "We will get you, next."
------Korsakoff's Psychosis Software Limited-- 8:00-8:01 am EST-------
squirrel.dur.ac.uk, max7-88.toolcity.net, pc19f6fe0.dip.t-online.de, cacheengine1.mosquitonet.com, proxyc3-e4a.cyberway.com.sg, webcache23b.cache.pol.co.uk, 1cust178.tnt4.ontario.ca.da.uu.net, p45-max3.dun.ihug.co.nz, myponga0.connect.com.au, ts1-14.edm.istar.ca, p51.block2.tc5.state.ma.tiac.net, p117.as2.cork1.tinet.ie, pm2.121.igg-tx.net, pm1-135.sidney.mcn.net, dsl-209-94-71-3.amigo.net, excalibur-402.fuse.net, 208.238.197.158, tn1-85.eclipse.net, 168.156.24.125, rhsyts12c72.nbnet.nb.ca, 169.204.85.237, pm3-01-12.eug.du.teleport.com, 206.18.109.62, ctone120.netcbc.com, quetzalcoatl.sat.gob.mx, ns0.brann.co.uk, proxy3.rdc.cl, firewall.tasa.com.ar, gerrypc.wincom.net, 163.176.64.21, cr817389-a.wlfdle1.on.wave.home.com, 203.29.192.74, ra193-188.ozemail.uts.edu.au, 142.165.5.142, hades.msu.montana.edu, proxy-366.public.rwc.webtv.net, m51.brookings.net, 12.5.247.5, 199.174.210.203, gold.imation.com, 207-17-228-38.du.pldi.net, igw3.merck.com, 195.77.77.146, bacchus.clara.net, 168.156.24.125, 195.28.166.109, cache.ipm.ac.ir, vp210-20.worldonline.nl, ppp165-140.netactive.co.za, ip-48-147.dialup.hkstar.com, proxy2.wbs.ne.jp, yakimauser152.televar.com, agila.fapenet.org, proxy1-external.wyn1.pa.home.com, proxyj.emirates.net.ae, port-16.cst.co.zw, 200.28.0.25
------Korsakoff's Psychosis Software Limited-- End Report 8:00-8:01 am EST-------
2/08
