Obituary
Richard "Millhunk" Nixon, 79 of Lower
Burrell, died suddenly after suffering two (simultaneous) heart attacks at the Birdville Saloon and
Ranch. Mr. Nixon is survived by his wife Veronica, 6 exwives Olga,
Gertrude, Natasha, Moronica Edelweis, Mathilda, and Bertha. Two former wives Hilda Oxcart and Juanita Chingatta are deceased. Mr. Nixon,
affectionately called "Millhunk" or "hey asshole" by his close friends and many family members had 13 children, 32 grandchildren and 40 great
grandchildren. He was not related to the former President Richard M.
Nixon.
Millhunk was employed for over 60 years in several different capacities in the steel making industry, most of that time as a laborer, coal shoveler, janitor, etc. He worked for numerous steel plants along the Allegheny River including the Blawnox Steel and Iron Plant #3, the Lawrenceville Pipe Company, the Logans Ferry Scrap Metal Dump, Allegheny Shit Pipe Cleaning Corp. and also part-time as bartender at the Birdville Saloon, where he died unexpectedly.
Born Leonid Yablonski, some time in the year 1920, somewhere in the former Czechoslovakia, Richard Nixon immigrated to America @ 1930. He settled in the steel making hunky smokestack region of Western Pennsylvania and immediately began employment as a coal crusher in the old East Harmarville Iron and Steel Furnace making a solid $1.00 weekly.
In 1960 Yablonski legally changed his name to Richard "Millhunk" Nixon* , in part due to the impression the presidential candidate had on him. Additionally his nickname "Millhunk" sounded like "Milhous".
Millhunk always told his bar patrons his greatest achievement in life was winning the Haluski Noodle and Pierogie Eating Festival at Cheswick back in 1941. He won a blue ribbon at that special event which subsequently allowed Mr. Nixon an exemption from military service. During that period "Millhunk" became better known as "blast furnace Leonid".
Millhunk's proudest accomplishment, according to his 7th wife Veronica, was when his last son "Ostrava", finally received his GED diploma. "We had a big party in the basement of the Great Valley Shopping Center and Olga, Gertrude, and Bertha were barred from attending. Millhunk always said that boy would go places."
Mr. Nixon was a member of the United Brotherhood of Proletariat Manual Workmen, Northern Neptune Saturday Night Weekly Enema Club, Eastern Orthodox Egg Savers Union, Lubavitcher-Byzantine Brethren Emunoh Chrystotom Pagan-Parish and the Wexford Funky Hunky Club.
Friends received at the Krazepski Lower Burrell Discount Funeral Home, Inc. 14 Smith Alleyway, Lower Burrell, Sunday and Monday from 10-12, 3-5 and 8-10. Burial in the Lower Burrell slag dump along the banks of the Allegheny River, Tuesday at 10 am.
Memorials may be sent to the Birdville Saloon in the name of "Millhunk" or
"hey asshole".
* Although I wrote the story, I must give full creative
credit to my wife for the name Richard MILLHUNK Nixon.
Budapest, Hungary Forget about Kosovo, Slobodan
Milosevic and all that business in the Balkans. The real problem in Europe is not war or so
called ethnic cleansing. Nor is it the phased introduction of the new Euro
currency. The real problem in Europe is the same as it has been for over
two years now- magpies shitting all over the continent.
"These vicious rogue magpies have it in for us, for some reason" offered Dame Katerina Karamazov, as she broke from her human powered plow in her 45 acre wheat field 30 miles south of the Hungarian capital city. "Those birds, billions of them, ate all of my crop and then, to add insult to injury, they shit all over everything. Our entire estate is covered in a thick layer of shit! This, in and of itself, is good fertilizer for our soil. But it's no good for the few streets we have and the corrosive feces are eating away at our barn-home roof. Even my babushka is covered in bird droppings. I hate magpies". Katerina returned to plow pushing as she had to single handedly replant all 45 acres of the wheat recently devoured by the hungry blackbirds.
The magpie dumping problem began about two years ago when, for reasons unclear, billions of the flying shit machines were spotted all over the continent from Spain all the way to Turkmenistan and Uzbekistan. The vicious pesky creatures have been everywhere from Norway south to Cyprus and just about all points in between.
Recently some 35,000 fans attending a professional soccer match at the Hamburger Volksparkstadion were blasted when a battalion of the bombing beasts let loose. "I took it right in the mouth" Frauline Fellatio Freda told our investigative reporter Alena Ivanovna. "I was never so embarrassed. I washed my mouth out with soap before I headed for the visiting team's locker room". Ivanovna was told Hamburg city fathers are considering placing a dome over the stadium as this magpie shitting problem doesn't seem to be dissipating to any extent.
Epidemiologists throughout Europe are worried about this now chronic problem. The massive quantities of fecal material is inevitably leaching into water tables and that will eventually end up in humans. The first known cases of a human infestation were reported last year in Uppsala, Sweden where doctors found two teenagers that had turned into babbling imbeciles that had no ability to control their bowels. The diagnosis was endemic pica nuttalli. The two teenagers had to be put to rest- they became absolute dolts.
Dame Katerina Karamazov said she used last months cigarette allowance to buy a shotgun and ammo. "I'll get even with these pests."
The hottest musical group in the world right now
is The Corrs , as if you didn't already know. What you may not know is that the band has
caused many good men to bite the dust.
"After guys get one look at those girls and hear their musical ability they usually become trapped in what we are calling the "Corrs trance" , according to world renowned psychiatrist Dr. J.J. Undercyclothyme. "It usually happens within 5 minutes of first contact, be it over the television, internet video streaming, video CD or any other media source. Typically, the male pretends to have to take a piss but really what has happened is he has been infested with the insidious effect these babes have on males. He heads to the bathroom with a whopper ready to explode, only to find hundreds of other males in the facility in masturbation frenzies."
"Across the globe we had dozen's of cases of males masturbating themselves to death, all related to the effect's of the Corrs trance. These poor saps have fallen pray to pure talent and beauty and that's the tragedy. It's not known if these girls have caused men to have more sex with their partners or less. Some studying this problem indicate they believe interpersonal sexual activity has increased while other clinicians argue all of this fantasy masturbation has actually caused a decline in male-female encounters. Either way, the Corrs trance effect has permeated into most segments of our psyche", offered Undercyclothyme. "Personally speaking, I must admit I bought "Talk on Corners: Special Edition" and I've noticed I'm spending a lot of time in the bathroom with my CD player on."
"We have no reports of females being influenced in a similar fashion by the lone male member of The Corrs. He's just there" stated Dr. Undercyclothyme as he headed toward the men's room in a hurried fashion.
2/08
